


The Thirteen Years of Christmas

by FallacyFallacy



Series: The Annual Christmas Carol Fic [3]
Category: Little Busters!
Genre: 5 Times, Bisexual Character, Christmas, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Homophobia, Kid Fic, M/M, Post-Canon, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-22
Updated: 2013-12-24
Packaged: 2018-01-05 11:45:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 27,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1093525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallacyFallacy/pseuds/FallacyFallacy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five Christmasses Riki and Kyousuke spent together - some happy, some sad, one impossibly awkward, and one where they finally manage to figure out what Christmas has meant to them all along.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Year One

**Author's Note:**

> ...so, this entire thing was written in under a week. So don't be expecting anything worth a Pulitzer. But it's fun Christmas fic and while there are some iffy parts there are also some parts I'm really proud of, so I hope you all enjoy it! Also, as far as I'm aware, all the details in this fic are consistent with Christmas in Japan today. Of course, that means it probably isn't consistent with Christmas as it was over there back in 1996 when Riki was 6... But oh well. Let's just pretend it is, okay? Maybe??
> 
> This part is pretty much pure fluff, but it'll get way more serious in later parts, so keep that in mind!

_Year One –[It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DB3kEOsgMAU)_  
  
The wide room covered in decorations top to bottom. Red and green crepe paper twisted over the walls, while little Santa and reindeer figures dotted the tables alongside coloured candles. And most obviously of all, the couches had been pushed aside for a huge pine tree by the window, covered in bright silver and gold tinsel, white lights, and baubles of every colour Riki could imagine, all topped with a shimmering star.

“Oh wow!” Riki marvelled at all the pretty things, eyes sparkling. It felt like he'd stepped into some other world, like Santa's workshop, or one of those American toy stores he'd seen in a movie once.

“Yeah, we started putting them up yesterday,” Kyousuke explained, arms crossed proudly. “I helped with the tree!”

“That's so cool!”

“It's just Christmas decorations,” Rin said, though she was smiling a little looking at the room as well.

“What are you talking about? Christmas is great! So everything connected with Christmas is also great. That's how it is!”

Riki looked around the room. What would it be like to see this every time he came downstairs? “That'd be fun...”

Kyousuke and Rin both looked at him weirdly. “Don't your guardians, or whatever, do all that as well?” Kyousuke asked.

Riki shook his head. “Um... my parents did, last year. But I asked my guardians the other day and they said it was an American thing so they don't do that.”

“But you'll do New Years, at least,” Kyousuke said, sounding a little dumbfounded.

“Yeah! Or, at least, I think so? But... I dunno.” Riki looked down at his feet. “That's, like, a family thing, right? Erika-neesan's coming back, too, so I think it's meant to be about them, y'know? The Yamakawas.”

His lower lip quivers a little. The fact that Kyousuke and Rin are looking at him like he just told them his guardians never let him eat sweets or something ridiculous like that isn't helping.

“...fine. Then there's only one thing to do!” Kyousuke claps a hand on Riki's shoulder. “You have to have Christmas with us!”

Riki stared. Kyousuke smiled as widely as usual, radiating all the comfort and confidence in the world. But it couldn't be that simple, could it?

“It's fine! Your guardians won't mind, right? Since they hate Christmas. And you stay over here all the time anyway. So you just have to spend every Christmas with us!”

Riki swallowed. And then, he nodded, grinning so widely his cheeks hurt.

“Mm!”

*

Riki saw Kyousuke and grinned madly but before anything else, he turned back to his aunt.

“Thank you for bringing me,” he said with a bow.

She nodded. “And?”

Riki turned to Kyousuke's mother and bowed as well. “Thank you for having me!”

“It's no problem at all! We're always willing to have you here, Riki-chan!” Kyousuke's mum said cheerfully, then gestured in. “Go on – I'm sure Rin-chan and Kyousuke are waiting to see you!”

Riki nodded, bowed again at his aunt, and ran forwards into the house. As soon as he reached Kyousuke he hugged him, burying his face into his chest; as always, Kyousuke hugged him back tightly, then pulled back and slung his hand over his shoulder again.

“About time you got here!”

“Merry Christmas!” Rin cried, clapping her hands brightly.

“Merry Christmas!” Riki replied.

And then he noticed something. “Hey, cool sweaters!”

“I know, right?” Kyousuke posed, showing his off proudly. “Every year my mom buys one for Rin and me for Christmas!”

“That sounds fun...” Riki murmured, feeling a little out of place all of a sudden.

“It is!” Rin agreed, happily patting down her red jumper patterned with kitties in Santa hats on the front.

“Hey,” Kyousuke said, as though reading Riki's mind, “why don't you wear my jumper from last year? It should be the right size, and that way you can have fun with us!”

Riki brightened instantly. “Ah – thank you!!”

“Let's go, then!” Kyousuke took Riki's hand and led him into the house.

If it had looked beautiful last time he was here, now it looked as though Riki had stepped into some kind of magical wonderland. There was gold and silver all over the room, from throws over the seats and tables to streamers near the ceiling and plastic white snow crystals at the windows. Little figures dotted the room alongside a couple of wreaths on the walls and pretty arrangements reading 'Merry Christmas!' And the beautiful but modestly-dressed Christmas tree from the other day had been fully decked out in lights and decorations and tinsel, brightening up the whole room.

“It looks amazing...!” Riki marvelled as Kyousuke pulled him along.

“Mm, it looks really cool!” Rin agreed, her earlier dismissal apparently no longer valid.

“Yeah, it's pretty weird – last year we didn't do anywhere near as much as this. Mom just said they wanted to celebrate at bit more this year. Hey – maybe it's because of you!”

Trekking up the stairs, still pulled awkwardly by Kyousuke, Riki's eyes widened. “Me? Why?”

“'Cause you're a guest? They always do extra things for guests,” Rin mentioned.

“Mm... I don't want them to do too much for me, though...”

“What are you talking about?” At the top of the stairs, Kyousuke let Riki's hand go and tilted his head to one side. “It's great they did all this! Doesn't it make you so happy just looking at it? So it's really better for everyone!”

Riki blushed a little, looking down. “Oh! That's good, then.”

“So thanks for coming, Riki! It's so much funner because of you!”

“Yeah, yeah!” Rin said, nodding.

Riki blushed harder. “I-it's all right...”

“All right!” They reached Kyousuke's room and he immediately went to the closet to look around in it. The room was as messy as ever – had the futon been put down in preparation for Riki's stay tonight or had it never been picked up from the last time he was here? Either could be true. Riki went and sat on the bed, waiting patiently.

“The room stinks.”

“It does not!” came Kyousuke's voice. “Besides, your room is just as messy.”

“But I'm not a boy so it smells good.” Rin glared at a shirt on the floor and shuffled away. Come to think of it, Riki had worn that shirt once, one time when he'd gone to Kyousuke's house on short notice and forgotten to bring his bag. He really liked wearing Kyousuke's clothes – they were warm and comfortable and nice and despite what Rin claimed, generally smelled really really good. They were usually too big but Riki knew that one day he'd be grown up and he'd be even taller than Kyousuke and then Kyousuke would be wearing his clothes so it'd all even out.

“Here!” Kyousuke pulled out the sweater, a green one with reindeer on it, and handed it to Riki. “This'll be yours then!”

Riki took it eagerly. In a moment he'd taken off his sweater and was pulling this one on instead. When he was done, he patted it down and beamed up at the others.

“Perfect! Now you're part of it, too!” Kyousuke declared with a thumbs up and Rin giggled and clapped her hands.

“So what are we gonna do?” Rin asked, swinging her arms.

“Hmmm.” Kyousuke thought. “Let's make a cake! Mama said we were gonna do that, anyway.”

“Do you know how to?” Riki said, a littled awed.

“Yeah, mama taught me.” Kyousuke shrugged. “Come on, then!”

Riki followed the two of the downstairs happily, brimming with excitement. Being at Kyousuke and Rin's house was always fun but it was even better today than usually.

“Mama! We're gonna make the cake now,” Kyousuke declared as he strode into the kitchen.

“Right now? Kyousuke-chan, I'm a little busy...” Kyousuke's mom held a phone to her face, looking a little irritated.

Riki fell back, but Kyousuke was undaunted. “But Riki wants to!”

“Wha-?” Riki stared at him. Kyousuke's mom glanced at him, and frowned. Riki held his tongue, hoping Kyousuke knew what he was doing.

“All right, in a moment...”

“Yes!” Kyousuke pumped his fist. “Great work, Riki!”

“Um, I didn't...”

“I wanna make a strawberry cake!” Rin shoved her hand into the air.

“What? No way, chocolate is much better.”

“Chocolate is so boring! And strawberry cakes are cuter.”

“Who cares how cute it is? It's a cake!”

Rin glared at him. Kyousuke glared back.

“Riki!” he said suddenly. “What do you want?”

“Huh? Ahh, uhh...” Riki fidgeted, uncertain. “Um, what can you make?”

“Chocolate and strawberry I guess? Oh, and it can be double chocolate or just one chocolate but one chocolate is just silly so I was talking about double chocolate before.”

“So, I guess it's impossible to do both at the same time...”

Kyousuke stared at him. “That's a perfect idea!” he cried. “Yeah, we just make it double chocolate but then put strawberries in it as well!”

“That's still more chocolate...” Rin muttered.

“Saved us again, Riki!” Kyousuke said with a grin.

Riki blushed.

It was always like this with Kyousuke – he was able to do practically everything (except things only adults could do, obviously, but even then he sometimes could anyway) yet whenever they hung out he seemed to spend half of his time telling Riki how great he was. Riki had no idea why and was pretty sure Kyousuke was just joking sometimes but he always smiled so honestly and it felt really nice to be told all that so Riki just acted like he always meant it.

“All right, I'm ready now.” Kyousuke's mother walked in and then leaned down to look at Riki, smiling. “So, Riki-chan, you wanna cook a cake?”

“Um, yes!” Riki said quickly, rushing to organise his expression so as to uphold Kyousuke's claim until he remembered that yeah, he actually did want to help out.

“Well then! Have you decided what to make?”

“We're gonna make a chocolate and strawberry cake,” Kyousuke cut in. “It was Riki's idea!”

“What a cool idea!” Kyousuke's mom said and Riki blushed harder.

“Th-thank you very much...”

“Polite as always.” She ruffled Riki's hair a little and then stood up. “All right! I'm sure you two remember where the recipe is, then?”

“I've got it!” Rin cried, and rushed to the counter, coming back with a book she presented to her mother with an excited thrust.

“Good girl! So, what does it say we need to have?”

“You know how to cook, too, Rin?” Riki asked, curiously.

“No,” Rin said bluntly.

“She just tastes the mixture,” Kyousuke explained.

“Oooh, that makes sense.”

“That's no good. Being able to cook is a really useful skill, you know. I'm sure you'll be happy one day when you can!”

Judging from Rin's expression, she wasn't convinced. Kyousuke puffed up his chest, though.

“I can cook!”

“You can! I'm very proud!”

“I wanna cook, too!” Riki said. He couldn't really do much but maybe if he could cook everyone would be impressed, too?

“That's the spirit!”

“It's really good, isn't it?” Kyousuke continued, smile wide. “Being able to do stuff like that. I really really really worked hard this year, didn't I?”

Kyousuke's mom narrowed her eyes. “I already told you – Santa's the one who decides what you get, and he'll have already made his decision now. If he's had the elves make that Nintendo thing for you, it's certainly done by now.”

“I don't want that anymore! I saw something even cooler the other day!”

“What is it?”

“It's so so cool!” Kyousuke clenched his fists, bouncing on his feet. “It's like a bed, right, except it looks like a racecar! It's all red and you sleep in the seat so it's like when you're sleeping you're driving in a racecar!”

“What?” Kyousuke's mother raised an eyebrow, clearly confused. “A bed? You spend half your time in that futon with Riki anyway...”

“But it's so cool!!”

“Why would Santa get you a racecar bed? You'll just get tired of it in five minutes like with that game machine! You have to sleep in this until you grow up, you know.”

“But mama!”

“No buts! Don't make a scene, you don't want to upset Riki-chan, do you?”

Kyousuke glared at her, but looked back at Riki moodily.

Riki shrunk back, once again discomforted to find himself in the middle of this family scene. “Um, I don't really...”

Kyousuke continued to pout and for a moment Riki was worried Kyousuke was really upset but then Kyousuke sighed. “I guess I can't look uncool in front of my junior,” he said and flicked his hair.

“Waaah,” Riki murmured. “So cool...”

“You've been watching too much anime...” his mother muttered.

“I got the strawberries!” Rin yelled out of nowhere, pushing them into the middle of the table.

“Yes, well done. Now, what are the other ingredients?”

Together, Riki and the other three Natsumes worked on the cake, Kyousuke reading out all of the instructions and heading all the adding and combining and Rin sitting on the sidelines, eating strawberries and sneaking tastes of the mixture now and then. Kyousuke's mother oversaw them, explaining what the different measurements were and showing them how to put in the right amount. At the end, Riki stirred it all together, as hard as he could til his arm was hurting, until finally the cake was done.

When Kyousuke's mom put it in the oven, Kyousuke pumped his fists. “Yes! We did it!”

“We did it!” Rin agreed, licking some mixture off her finger.

Riki was almost shaking in excitement. “It's gonna be so good...!”

“Definitely! We worked really really hard on it and worked on it with friendship so our feelings are going to go into the cake and make it taste even better,” Kyousuke declared.

“You've really been watching too much anime...”

“Then in that case it'll probably end up being the best cake ever!”

“Definitely!!”

“All right, you three – you should move on, now. Don't want to spoil your dinner, now!”

“Yeeep!” Kyousuke turned to Riki. “Hey, let's go watch TV! They play Christmas shows all day, it's so cool!”

“Awesome!”

“Okay!” Rin followed as well, little ponytail bobbing.

*

“Dinner's ready!” came a call from the kitchen. Kyousuke and Rin jumped up instantly and all but ran for the kitchen table, Riki following close behind.

“It looks so good!!” Kyousuke cried, already licking his lips.

It really did. The fried chicken in the middle looked delicious, even if it was homemade rather than KFC, and Kyousuke's parents had clearly gone to town on the side dishes.

“So, Riki-kun,” came from Kyousuke's dad, still dressed in his suit from work, “it's good to see you here.”

“Thank you! I like being here. And thank you for taking care of me, Natsume-san.”

“Riki, you have you had any chicken yet?” Kyousuke swallowed his mouthful and continued. “It's delicious!”

Rin was already digging into her food on the other side. Riki tried some.

“It's really nice! Thank you, Natsume-san.”

“You're very welcome, Riki-kun,” she answered, sounding a little amused. “You saved me some time helping with the cake, so I have to thank you as well.”

“A-ah, i-it's fine...”

“So what are you gonna get for Christmas?” Kyousuke asked, taking Riki's attention again.

“Um, I dunno. Probably not anything. But I'll get money for New Years, so.”

“What? That's awful. Ah well, you can always share my presents.”

“Even if it were a racecar bed?” his mom asked.

“Well, duh. It'd be big enough for both of us, obviously. He could be my co-driver. Though he won't be,” he continued, mood visibly souring, “since you said Santa wasn't getting it...”

“It's those damn size restrictions,” Kyousuke's dad said without hesitation, nodding seriously. “Never fit in the sleigh. Shame, really.”

Kyousuke narrowed his eyes, looking as though he suspected trickery, but let it go.

“You can share my presents, too,” came Rin. “As long as you take care of them all.”

“Whaaat, even though you never let your brother play with them?”

“You'd just be mean to them. Plus, boys break things.”

“Um,” Riki attempted, “I'm a boy, too, so...”

Rin stared at him. “Whaaat?! Whoa, you are!”

Riki pursed his lips. “You thought I was a girl?” he asked, hurt.

“No. I guess I just never really thought about it...”

Riki bit his lip. “...actually, I thought you were a boy when I first saw you, too, so.”

“No way! That's awful, I'm not a boy! You're so mean!”

“B-but you just said...”

“Hey, everyone-” Riki's mother began but at the same time Kyousuke said “Guys, guys!”

Riki and Rin looked at him.

“We all know what's right now, so why argue? It doesn't really matter what people thought in the past. We're all friends now, right?”

Riki looked at Rin. She shrugged.

“I guess,” she said and Riki nodded.

“So you shouldn't fight. Instead, we should take part in the Christmas spirit and have fun!”

“Yeah!” agreed Riki, digging back into his chicken.

“Ahh, Christmas,” Kyousuke murmured, and Riki found he had to agree.

*

Riki cradled his mug of hot chocolate carefully, looking at the marshmallows swirling around within. He was sitting on the couch, squashed between Kyousuke and Rin from lack of room, a thick blanket over their laps and a movie on the television. The room was dark, the only brightness being the television and the fairy lights on the tree. Riki was warm and comfortable and safe and under any other circumstances he'd have fallen asleep ages ago but whether it was the sugar or the Christmas spirit within him, Riki had never felt more awake.

It was a fun movie about a bunch of reindeer at the north pole. Riki didn't really understand it all, but he wasn't really fully paying attention. He kept finding himself, instead, glancing at the people around him. Rin was fully focused, chocolate forgotten in her lap, eyes wide with joy at the animals on the television. Kyousuke looked impossibly happy, unusually soft and fluffy and comfy bundled up in the blankets up to his chin, taking little happy sips now and then. Even Kyousuke and Rin's parents seemed content, the mother by Rin and the father in his own seat, watching the movie silently with small smiles.

He was still wearing his sweater. On either side, he could feel Rin and Kyousuke's sweaters, too, arms and hips against his.

All he could think for a little while was: I love them so much.

Before he realised it, the movie ended.

“Ahhh that was so gooood!” Rin cried, almost knocking over her mug in the process.

“Careful!” her mom warned, picking it up and placing it on the coffee table.

“Yeah, I liked it too!” Kyousuke said, still clutching his empty mug. “What did you think, Riki?”

“Ah!” Riki fumbled, on the spot. “I think it was really really good!”

“Awesome!”

“Well, time for bed!” Rin's mom stood up, wiping her hands. “We need to leave enough time for Santa to come, after all!”

“That's true.” Kyousuke pushed off the sofa rolling his shoulders. “We better go then! Goodnight!”

“Night!” came the reply, and with just one more glance at the darkened room Riki was following Kyousuke back to his room.

“Do you really think Santa exists?” he asked quietly once they began traipsing the stairs.

“Of course he does,” Kyousuke said shortly. “He exists because of the dreams and love of children. Like magic.”

“Oh, okay.” He paused. “It's going to be hard to fall asleep, though...”

“Yeah, I know! But that's why it's so great that you've come over! We can talk all night if we have to!”

“I don't think I could do that much... And, wouldn't Santa be upset?”

“Nah. As long as we're in bed it's okay, he doesn't check for things like that.”

_He's magic but can't check if we're sleeping?_ Riki wondered, but then they'd reached Kyousuke's room and were changing and crawling into their futons.

“Aren't you so excited?!” Kyousuke cried after a moment's pause.

Riki nodded, warm and comfy under the thick blankets. “Yeah!”

“I'm still not really sure what Santa's gonna get me. I think my parents were probably lying – I mean, he can get through chimneys but he can't fit big things on his sleigh? Sounds kinda fake to me.”

“Huh,” Riki said. “Yeah, I guess it doesn't really make sense.”

“Exactly! So I think I'm probably still gonna get that stuff. The bed, definitely. Maybe the Nintendo 64, too.”

“Why do you think adults know so much about Santa?” Riki wondered aloud. “Does he like, appear to them when they grow up or something? You don't think they've actually been to his workshop or anything?”

“Yeah, definitely.” Kyousuke nodded rapidly. “I bet once you become a grown-up, on Christmas eve he shows up in your room and takes you there on his sleigh so you know all about it and can tell your kids.”

“That's so cool!” Riki breathed out, amazed. “I can't wait! We should totally go together!”

“I was just thinking that!” Riki couldn't see, but he could tell Kyousuke was grinning. “We totally have to be together when we turn eighteen or whatever, so then he has to take us both at the same time. And then we can eat heaps of cool food and see the reindeer and have fun in the snow all together!”

“Eeeee, I'm so excited!!”

“It's totally gonna be the best thing ever!” Kyousuke agreed. “Man, we've really figured this out, huh?”

“Eheh, we have!”

“Maybe we should decide what we're gonna do there now,” Kyousuke continued, “so that once we're there we don't need to wait up deciding what to do, we can just start going instantly. For one thing, I'm definitely going to check out the ice castle.”

“There's an ice castle?!”

“Well, they're at the north pole, so why wouldn't they? That's what I'd do if I lived there.”

“That makes sense.”

“What about you?”

And like that, the night continued. It took Riki a long time to get to sleep that night, but he didn't regret even a moment of it.

*

The next morning was every bit as chaotic as Riki expected it. Since they'd stayed up so late, it was Rin who came to wake them up – for once, Riki was so excited that he had no problem getting up, and followed the other two diligently to their parents' room and then downstairs for the presents.

“Yes yes yes yes yes!” cried Kyousuke as he dived through the pile for his gifts

“Wait up!” said Kyousuke's dad, lying back in his chair tiredly. “Don't you want to open them slowly?”

Rin and Kyousuke both completely ignored him and began to tear away the wrapping.

Riki sat back, and felt a strange communication between him and Kyousuke and Rin's parents as they all watched the two kids.

“...Oh man oh man, this is so cool!! But- wait. That was the big one, so.” Kyousuke looked at the tree and then his presents, then again.

“Yep! Santa knew you really well, didn't he?”

“But.” Kyousuke frowned, looking at the presents. “He didn't get me...”

“Sorry, dear. But it's like your father said, the really big presents won't fit on his sleigh...”

It was no use. Kyousuke was clearly tearing up.

It hurt to see him. Kyousuke was always so happy, and he always seemed to old and mature, but he was just a kid as well.

And then Riki realised something huge.

“U-um!” Everyone looked at him. Riki flinched, but Kyousuke was still upset, and Riki knew he had to do something.

Kyousuke was always doing things for him. Normally Riki had no idea what to do when Kyousuke was upset, but now, all he had to do was the same thing Kyousuke had done for him earlier. Just this once, even if it was once in his entire life, he could do this for him.

“Y-you... I don't really have that many presents or anything. Um, none at all right now. B-but, I'll get some money for New Year's, so, maybe you can share that with me?”

Kyousuke stared at him.

“No, Riki-kun, you don't need to do that!” Kyousuke mom shook her head, waving her hands. “You don't need to share your money like that, Kyousuke has plenty!”

Riki's stomach fell. “Oh,” he said.

But Kyousuke kept looking at him.

His eyes were still a little red. He looked like he was fighting something, in his head, or deciding what to say.

Finally, he said quietly, “thanks.”

Riki stared, and then he beamed brighter than he had all trip.

“N-no problem!” he cried, and then shuffled over to Kyousuke, hugging him. Kyousuke held onto his shirt a little, hands little balls, and Riki held him tightly, the same way Kyousuke always did for him.

“So it's okay!” he said as he pulled back. “You can totally have mine! That makes it better, right?”

“Riki-kun-” his dad said, but Kyousuke nodded.

Riki smiled at him beatifically, happier than he could remember.

“So everything's fine, then!”

“Yeah.” Kyousuke mumbled, and then he smiled a little. “Thanks, Riki.”

“No problem!”

Riki had never felt better.

Once the presents were over, though, there wasn't too much left to do. Riki played with Kyousuke on the new games that came with his Nintendo, and Rin happily scrawled with her new markers on the floor beside them, but overall it was a lot quieter now that the Christmas excitement was drawing down. And, more to the point, that Riki's stay was ending.

“You should keep this for when you go home,” Kyousuke said casually, handing him a picture he'd made with Rin's markers after some cajoling from his parents.

Riki took it, mood instantly dropping.

“I guess.”

“Hm? What's wrong?”

Riki fiddled with the paper. “I don't want to go home.”

“...yeah, I don't want you to, either.” Kyousuke sat beside him, looking serious. “I never want you to.”

“Me neither! It's so much fun when I'm here with you two and we can just play around...”

“Yeah,” Rin added, finally sitting up from a very detailed picture she was colouring. “It'd be really cool if you could just stay here forever.”

“I don't even see why I have to go home,” Riki continued, feeling emotional suddenly. His words bubbled out of him before he could stop them. “They always say I can't bother your parents too much, but I'm bothering my guardians too, right? If I'm gonna be bothering people either way why can't I be with you guys?”

“Then, maybe you should keep staying here for a bit longer?” Kyousuke said quickly. “I'm sure it'd be okay!”

“But it's gonna be New Year's and they keep saying it's a family thing and we'll all have to be there, which I don't get since I'm not part of the family anyway, but they said it'd look really bad and I don't know what that means? Who's looking, anyway? They probably wouldn't even notice me gone, I don't get it...”

Riki was sniffling now, hand rubbing at his nose.

“Riki...”

Kyousuke trailed off.

Riki couldn't help it now, and a couple of big tears dripped out. All he could think was that if even Kyousuke couldn't do anything about it, it must be hopeless.

“Riki.”

Riki felt his hands taken and looked up. Kyousuke was sitting directly in front of him, staring at him intensely.

“You'll need to go home sometime.”

Riki felt the tears again but Kyousuke continued.

“But then once you've had enough and it's all over you can always come back here, always. I wanna be able to make you happy whenever I can. So...make sure you come over here all the time, okay?”

Riki nodded. “I wish... we could always be together.”

“Same. And I'll always be thinking about you! So just think about me for a little longer, okay? And how much fun we had today!”

He beamed.

“That's all we have to do, actually! Have so much fun that whenever you go home you've overdosed on fun and keep thinking about it and then before you know it the bad times are over! So don't be sad 'cause then you'll remember being sad instead of having fun so it won't work, okay?”

Riki sniffed, trying to stop crying. After a few moments, it finally worked.

“...okay.”

“So don't be worried! We can be together whenever you want, most of the time. And the times when you can't, well – even if you have to stay home on New Years, we always have Christmas, right? So we just need to pack all our fun into that day so you're still happy until next year!”

Riki sniffed again, smile squirming. “Mm!”

“See? Easy!”

Kyousuke hugged him again and Riki giggled.

“So, don't be worried about it! Let's just enjoy Christmas together, okay?”

Riki nodded. “Yeah!”  



	2. Year Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 2! Part 3 should go out tonight! (Sorry, wanted to have 2 up last night, but got distracted by a gingerbread house and the newest episode...)

** Year Four – [I Believe In Father Christmas](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8h5hBaciHU) **

“Hey, Riki!” Kyousuke hugged him briefly at the door, then stood back. “Good to see you!”

“You, too!” Riki looked around. “Where's Rin?”

Kyousuke's expression clouded. “In her room. She's...kinda worried.”

“Huh? What about?”

Kyousuke scratched his cheek, looking a little reluctant. “You remember how I said our cousins were staying over for Christmas this year?”

“What, so it's about them?” Riki followed Kyousuke inside, shifting his backpack on his shoulders. “I thought you said they were really cool?”

“Yeah, well.” Kyousuke looked away, darkly. “We haven't really seen them in a year. Or maybe it's just because they're staying for a whole week this time, instead of just a day...”

Riki bit his lip. “You said they were thirteen, right?”

“Yuu-nii is thirteen. Kenta-nii is twelve, and Eri-nee is fourteen. Eri-nee and Kenta-nii are siblings. They also have another older sister, Yumiko-san, but she's sixteen and stayed home 'cause she wanted to be with her boyfriend or whatever.”

“Ohh.” It was rare to see Kyousuke unnerved like this and Riki wasn't really sure how to respond. It was making him feel kinda uneasy. “Will Rin be okay?”

“Yeah, she'll just stay in her room. They weren't really mean to her, just... scary.”

Riki shivered a bit. “Scary...how?”

“You'll see.”

Having reached Kyousuke's room, Riki dropped down his backpack. “Do you have the jumper?”

“Yeah, right here!” Kyousuke grabbed it from the top of the bed, in the middle of a huge pile of clothes, and handed it over.

“You really should clean that stuff up.”

“Why? The futon's comfortable enough. And it's actually pretty convenient having such a big area to put things on.”

Riki took off his jumper and pulled the new one on. “For a guy who asked for a bed for Christmas three years ago you're awfully ambivalent now.”

“What? No, if it was the racecar bed I'd definitely sleep in it every night! Man, why even compare them?”

“I thought you said we slept on the futon because it was fun and like camping?”

“Yeah, and racecars are even more fun.”

“Where'd I sleep then?”

Kyousuke thought hard. “Well... it'd probably be big enough to share. Or we could take turns. Wouldn't be fair for you not to have a go.”

Riki snorted. “Geez, why are we even spending so long discussing this?” He looked down at the sweater and smiled. “It's a nice sweater this time – I remember thinking last year I was looking forward to wearing it.”

“Yeah, they really found a great one last year.” Kyousuke pushed forwards again. “We should go meet Rin then.”

“Yeah!”

As they walked, Riki glanced at Kyousuke a few times. He'd seemed pretty worried earlier, but he hadn't seemed like he didn't have any hope, either. And if Kyousuke knew a way to fix the problem, he'd definitely manage it. It wasn't difficult, then, for Riki to relax and put the threat away for now.

It took a few pounds on the door for Rin to respond.

“What?” came the muffled voice, suspiciously.

“Riki's here. Don't you want to-”

The door opened suddenly and Rin's face appeared. “Hey, Riki!”

“Hi! It's good to see you again!”

Rin's face fell a bit though. “You're not staying out there, are you?”

“Is this about your cousins...?”

Rin nodded, looking genuinely worried for him. Riki tried to hold on to his confidence.

“They look really mean,” Rin said quietly. She leaned against the wall, looking uncomfortable. “And really big now, too. Like how Masato used to be, but way worse.”

_When was Masato ever mean?_ Riki thought, confused, but Kyousuke spoke before he could ask.

“They're out going skating right now, so it's fine. They'll be back in an hour or so though.”

“I said I couldn't go because I was sick,” Rin explained.

“And I had to stay back to take care of her. I had to meet you at this time anyway so it worked out.”

“Oh,” Riki said. It still surprised him now and then that though he spent so much time here, there were a lot of things Rin and Kyousuke were part of that he'd never know about. It made him feel a little lonely. “So, you don't need to hide in your room just yet, right?”

“I don't wanna be out when they get back, though...”

“Oh.” Riki felt a little helpless.

“It's fine. We can just stay with Rin for a while!”

Riki smiled. “Ah, yeah, sure!”

Rin raised an eyebrow. “Sure, I guess.”

They entered the room and sat around on the floor. Riki looked around him.

“It's a little weird being in here... I come over to your house so often, but I've only been in here a couple of times.”

“It's kinda boring in here, so I don't stay here much, either.” Rin shrugged. “I was going through my old drawings before you guys came, but that doesn't really take very long...”

“Oh yeah?” Riki chuckled. “That sounds kinda fun, though! Anything interesting?”

“No. I was a terrible artist.”

“W-well...you were younger...”

Rin sighed, as though irritated even by the idea of being easy on her six-year-old self.

“I guess you're the most outdoorsy of us, though, so it makes sense.”

“Hey, I'm outdoorsy, too,” Kyousuke cut in.

“You spend half your time sitting around reading manga. It's so boring.”

“I read outside too, sometimes! And besides, when you're reading, you're not yourself – you become the person in the story by seeing the world through their eyes! And I'm always reading about sports so I'm actually the most outdoorsy.”

“Wow,” Riki murmured. “As always, you can come up with some pretty deep-sounding stuff sometimes...”

“He's just making stuff up,” Rin grumbled. “Reading's so boring! You're just sitting there.”

“That's because you have no power of imagination!”

“Ahaha...” Riki raised his hands. “S-so... what do you guys think you're going to get for Christmas?”

“Oh?” Kyousuke asked, surprised. “From 'Santa'?”

“Yeah,” Rin agrees, he means from 'Santa', doesn't he?”

“'Santa', definitely.”

“U-umm....” Riki stared. “A-am I missing something...”

Kyousuke slung his arm around Riki's shoulders. “Of course not. Because the presents are coming from Santa, who definitely exists, and nobody should say otherwise.”

Rin nodded quickly.

“...” Riki looked back and forth. “Um... I won't, then. But if you could tell me why you need to say that so formally...”

“Well, you see Riki. Santa exists because of the joy of children who believe in him, right? So as long as we keep saying we believe in him Santa exists.”

“Saying you believe in him is enough, then?” Riki asked dryly, confused.

“Exactly,” Kyousuke said firmly.

“...so, if I'm getting this right: you don't think he exists anymore but if you say that you'll stop getting presents.”

“Riki!” Kyousuke gasped, shocked. “You'll break the magic spell!”

“Ah, of course. Sorry about that.”

“Th-though...” Kyousuke scratched his neck. “I wasn't intending to let you know I thought that...”

“Yeah, he kept insisting he was real to me for aaaaages,” Rin said with a pout. “It was so annoying.”

“Oh, no, it's fine. To be honest, I never really took it all that seriously.”

“ _What_ ,” replied Rin and Kyousuke in alarming synchronicity.

“Oh, well...” Riki floundered a little. “I mean, you both sounded so convincing when you talked about it! But it always felt like the same kind of thing as the Tooth Fairy, you know?”

“The Tooth Fairy isn't real?!” Kyousuke stared at him, horrified.

“Y-...no?”

_What criteria does he use to believe in something...?_

“Sorry,” Riki said, but Kyousuke was already turning away, expression dark.

“Naoe Riki, you are a harsher man than I took you for...”

“Must be a sad world,” Rin agreed.

“Erm...” _Have I been reduced to some bitter cynic with a traumatic past in their eyes...?_

“B-but. I don't mind! Because Christmas is still really fun even without it, y'know?”

“True,” Rin agreed. “It doesn't really matter since we can just keep saying we believe in him and we'll get presents anyway.”

“That wasn't really what I meant, but...”

“And Riki's here!” Kyousuke smiled at him, and Riki jumped for a moment. “So the most important part of Christmas is with us!”

“I-I'm...?” Riki stared, and blushed a little. “No, no, no, that doesn't even make sense...”

Rin stared back at him, and Riki readied himself for the insult.

“...yeah, that is true.”

“E-Hueh?” Riki started. “Wait, you're agreeing with him?”

“Well, you're with us every Christmas. It does feel like you're part of it now. And playing with you is really fun, so.”

Riki looked down. “Th-thanks...”

“See?” Kyousuke smiled almost smugly.

“W-well.” Riki coughed, covering his mouth. “Anyway. How've the holidays been?”

“Great! So many of my comics are getting to really exciting parts, and I just came across this new basketball one that I've been reading like mad!”

Rin glanced at him, with a dark 'see what I mean?' expression, and Riki had to laugh.

It was quite fun being able to speak with the others again, but in no time at all there was the sound of the front door opening and closing.

“Kyousuke! Your cousins are back!”

Riki looked at Rin. She bit her lip, looking pained.

“...you should go or mom'll complain,” she mumbled.

“Yeah.” Kyousuke shrugged. “I'm sure it'll be fine.”

“Okay...”

They went downstairs quietly, Riki sticking close behind Kyousuke. When they reached the top of the stairs, Kyousuke's mother called to them.

“Ah, Riki-kun! Yuu-kun, Kenta-kun, Eri-chan, this is Riki-kun. He's Kyousuke and Rin's friend.”

Riki waved hesitantly as he looked down at the figures in front of the door.

Now that he could see them he knew exactly what Rin meant. They didn't look awful or anything, but there was something in the apathy with which they held themselves or their vaguely irritated expressions as they looked up at Riki that made them look like people who were surely not going to be impressed by him any time soon. Yuu was wearing a shirt with an English slogan Riki couldn't read on the front, and Kenta had his hands shoved into the pockets of his baggy jeans. Eri, at least, looked normal enough, though she didn't seem any more interested in Riki than the others.

“Hi, Riki-kun,” she said, then immediately turned to her mom. “So are we doing anything or can I go now?”

Her mother sighed. “Go ahead,” she said, and Eri left immediately, taking an impressively modern-looking phone out of her pocket.

“I think you two should play with Kenta-kun and Yuu-kun,” Kyousuke's mom said. “I bet you guys have heaps in common.”

Kenta raised an extremely dissatisfied eyebrow at Riki. _It's not my fault, I don't want to do this either..._ he wanted to say.

“I guess so,” said Yuu, clearly reluctantly.

“Is Rin still not feeling well?”

Kyousuke shook his head. “Nah. Nothing bad, just a cold.”

“Still, it's sad to be ill on Christmas Eve... we'll have to do something nice for her later.”

“Absolutely!” Kyousuke agreed.

“Well, I'll leave you to it, then!”

Kyousuke's mother left for the kitchen, leaving the four boys alone.

Kyousuke started down the stairs. “I guess we should go in the living room or something? I have games if you wanna play.”

“Not really,” Yuu said.

Kyousuke nodded, admirably undaunted. “Then there are lots of other things. I have manga? And movies? Or we could just watch TV or play hide and seek or something.”

“Nah,” Yuu said.

“Card games? We have a lot of board games, too...”

“Ugh, that's such baby stuff.”

When Riki reached the floor, Kenta suddenly raised his head. “Hey – Naoe, right?”

“Ah – yes?”

“Nice sweater,” he said, an expression of exaggerated seriousness.

_He's making fun of me, isn't he?_ Riki thought, heart pounding. _He's definitely making fun of me!_

“Um... thanks. It's actually Kyousuke's, though-”

“What?” Kenta was smiling at him weirdly, almost laughing as he spoke. “Why are you wearing his clothes?” he asked, as though that were the most idiotic thing he'd ever heard.

Somehow, Riki didn't think 'it's kind of a tradition that means a lot to me' would fly as an answer. Flustered, he could only respond, “I don't know.”

“What d'ya mean, you don't know? You just took his clothes without thinking about it?”

“I let him wear it,” Kyousuke cut in. “It's a nice sweater and he doesn't really have any other Christmassy clothes.”

Kenta raised another eyebrow, clearly still dissatisfied, but didn't speak. Riki sent a smile at Kyousuke, trying to communicate thanks, and got a smile in return.

“So are we just gonna stand around here all day?” Yuu asked, boredly.

“Let's go in the living room, then. Maybe you'll see something you want to do.”

Reluctantly, the boys followed Kyousuke into the living room, where he stood, looking around the room thoughtfully. Eri was already there in one corner, though she only glanced up at them for a moment before returning to her phone.

“Look, just give it up, all right?” Yuu said, flopping down into a chair. “We're not nine-year-olds at a birthday party. You don't need to come up with 'fun activities' for us to do together. We don't really give a shit. So just settle down, okay?”

_What's wrong with being nine?_ Riki thought, hurt again.

Kyousuke looked similarly offended, albeit for different reasons, but pursed his lips. “All right.” He turned to Riki. “Then, why don't we find something fun to do?”

“Um...” Riki tried not to glance in the others' way. He felt more than a little awkward joining in on something the other kid had just said was boring and stupid, but if it was Kyousuke who prided himself so much on always coming up with fun things to do, he totally understood why he'd feel the need to prove something here. “All right.”

“Great! Why don't we just play cards then? That way we won't be too loud or take up too much room, and you guys can join in easily if you want to.”

“Sure!”

Kyousuke grinned. And then Riki instantly began to regret his decision as Kyousuke left the room to go upstairs and find his set.

Riki watched him go, skin prickling. Here he was, left in a house that, however well he knew it, wasn't his own, with only three people he did not know and who clearly did not like him for company.

He couldn't even wish Rin was at his side. This would destroy her.

He stood there awkwardly, trying not to look too conspicuous. Would it be more or less weird if he tried to talk to them? But either way, he couldn't think of anything to say.

In only a few moments, he was put out of his misery. Or this misery, at any rate.

“So, Naoe.” Kenta, sitting on the couch that happened to be facing where Riki was standing, was leaning over on his knee, strangely intimidating. “Why are you even here in the first place? Don't you have a family of your own or something?”

Riki swallowed, caught off guard. “Er. No, I just like being here...”

“Seriously, getting rejected even by your own parents? That's pretty pathetic...”

Riki stared at them. To his horror, tears began to well up in his eyes. “U-um...”

“Oh my god!” came a voice from the corner. Eri looked up from her phone to cast a disapproving look at the boys. “You guys are so mean!”

“What? It's true, isn't it?” Kenta said with a laugh. Yuu rolled his eyes, but didn't disagree.

Riki tried to take a breath, but choked a little on it.

“Whoa, whoa!” Kenta said almost gleefully, leaning forward with a cruel expression. “Are you seriously crying? You're _actually_ crying, just 'cause I made a joke about your parents?”

“N-...”

_It's not that_ , he wanted to say. _It's because... You shouldn't..._ He was desperate to explain to him, was sure that he was in the right – what kind of person would tease someone about their parents being dead?! - but at the same time he hated that idea more than anything else. He didn't want to tell this stranger about the most important, emotional event of his life. He didn't want him to know anything about him at all. And part of him was convinced somehow, frantically, that even if he did Kenta would find some way to turn it around and make him seem babyish for being upset.

_What, you're still crying about that? More than_ three years _later? You probably don't even remember them anymore. Fuck, just get over it._

“It's because you're picking on him! He's just a kid, of course he's crying...”

“I never cried over something that stupid when I was his age.”

Eri smiled sadistically. “You cried when I popped your ball that one time.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“Riki!”

Riki turned – Kyousuke was standing at the door, eyes wide and worried.

Seeing this sign of safety arrive, Riki's restraints crumbled further and tears fell from his eyes.

Yuu stared at him, looking faintly disgusted. “What the hell did you do?”

“I didn't do anything!” Kenta cried, shaking his head. “He's just a baby.”

Kyousuke glared at them and strode towards Riki. Riki grabbed his hand immediately, instinctively.

Kenta suddenly laughed. “What, you're holding hands? That's so weird, bro, not even gonna lie.”

“So mean...” said Eri with a sigh.

Kyousuke dragged him out without another word, Riki clinging to him tightly.

“Just tellin' it like it is, dude. You'll thank me later when you don't turn out weird,” he called through the doorway.

Riki followed Kyousuke blindly, letting himself be lead, tears obscuring his vision. He heard a door opening, and then the sudden bite of cold air. When Kyousuke stopped walking, Riki stopped with him, and simply stood there, holding tightly to his hand, as the sobs left him and gradually subsided.

He sniffed, rubbing his nose with his other hand. When he opened his hurting eyes, it was all white – Kyousuke had lead him outside.

“Sorry. Thought this was closer.” Kyousuke squeezed his hand. “Do you wanna tell me what they did?”

“N-no, they were just... saying things...” Riki shut his mouth, feeling hopeless. That's all they were doing, in the end – saying things they didn't even understand. Even with the extra meaning the insults held to him, there'd been no reason for Riki to start crying like that. Even if he couldn't explain it or give a comeback, he should have just left the room and looked for Kyousuke or something. But instead he just stood there like an idiot, letting them see how much they were getting to him, seeing him cry so pathetically...

Riki lowered his head, resting his forehead against Kyousuke's shoulder. In a moment Kyousuke had reached his other hand up to pat Riki's back.

And what they'd said at the end...

They were right, Riki knew in his heart. He was nine years old – he wasn't a little kid anymore. Boys weren't supposed to cry or rely on other people for comfort, and definitely not other boys. He should be strong and calm and solve his own problems.

...though, thinking that just made him want to cry even more.

“It's fine, Riki.” Kyousuke rubbed a circle on his back and it felt so comforting and nice that Riki did feel himself shake a little again. “They're assholes. You don't need to listen to them.”

He couldn't stop shivering. Snow covered the ground, the wetness seeping uncomfortably into his slippers, but in front of him Kyousuke was solid and alive. Riki's face was so hot, red from crying and the warmth of Kyousuke's shoulder, the heat contrasts making his head dizzy.

“...I don't know what they were saying earlier, but.” Kyousuke let his hand drop. “I don't think it's bad for us to hold hands or anything. If that's what you need, that's just what you need.”

Riki's stomach dropped. “I shouldn't, though. Need it.”

“I don't see why not. Where does 'should' apply to 'need'?” Kyousuke asked, matter of factly. “It's just a fact, right? No should or shouldn't about it.”

_Is he talking about that...?_ Riki wondered, and wasn't at all sure how he felt about the comparison.

“But, it'd be better if I didn't, right? And I'm just bothering you, so-”

“You're not,” Kyousuke said firmly. “You never bother me Riki. You're my good friend. Friends help each other out. That's just what we do.”

“...other people would say it's bad, though.”

“Who cares?” Kyousuke said. Riki waited for elaboration, but got none. When he looked up, Kyousuke was raising an eyebrow, looking faintly confused. The sky was an almost impossibly pure pearly grey behind him, catching light in the strands of hair as the breeze rustled it.

“...what do you mean?”

“Who cares if other people think it's bad? They've got nothing to do with it. If they're making judgements like that, seems like they're the ones in the wrong, not you, right?”

“It's not as easy as that in practice, though...”

“I don't see why not.”

Riki stared, searching for some kind of answer. “It really doesn't bother you at all how other people think?” he asked, almost not believing the words as he spoke them.

“No,” Kyousuke said, simply.

“...but! We live in a society, right? We all live together and depend on one another, so we have to follow rules, and-”

“Ugh. Yeah, my dad says that sometimes, too.” Kyousuke scrunched up his nose. “But we both know that's stupid, right? How is it worse for anyone else if you hold my hand now and then?”

“But... I, I just think most people are good and believe in what they say, so if other people say it's bad, don't you tend to assume they have really good reasons for believing that, even if you don't know what they are...”

“I don't think so. People are pretty stupid most of the time, honestly. Especially when they're talking about things they don't know much about, like other people.”

“But even if you say that, can't you not help...”

Riki trailed off. Kyousuke looked at him questioningly.

The backyard was quite large, as fitting the neighbourhood. It was mostly covered in grass with a little pond in in one corner, currently frozen over. There was a bench by the fence and a big tree, brown and asleep for the winter, bare branches twisting over their heads. Everything was covered in white – pristine snow over the ground, clumps like muddled blankets over the branches of the tree, clinging glittery crystals above the overhang.

And then Kyousuke before him, outrageously Christmassy sweater aside as much a creature of summer as Riki had ever seen with his red hair and eyes and skin faintly tanned even this late into winter. Yet the light of the sun shone through his eyes when even the real sun was hidden by clouds, and his expression, while concerned, was one of infinite kindness.

He looked, Riki thought for one wild moment, a little like an angel.

“...it's nothing,” he said.

Kyousuke still looked confused. Finally, he sighed. “Well, at least you're feeling better now, anyway!”

_He really doesn't understand_ , Riki knew then. _He has probably never felt insecure because of things others say in his life, and never will._

It doesn't sound quite human. But that's Kyousuke as well. He has always felt a little like that to Riki – just slightly better than what any human should be at anything. Luckier, more charming, more competent, more reliable. No matter what he does, he'll stand out – it's no wonder he's never felt a desire to fit in when other people notice him all the time for only wonderful reasons. No, a person like that could never understand what it felt like to have others say that you're weak and helpless and weird. A person like that would never felt that hesitance to say what they felt or do what was right for them.

But Riki just wasn't that sort of person.

“One last thing, though!” Kyousuke raised a finger. “You like me, right?”

Riki paused, shocked. “O-of course I do, I like you heaps!”

“And why is that?”

“Because you're a great person! You're always helping me, and you're so cool and smart and – and because we're friends!”

“Exactly,” Kyousuke said, nodding seriously. “That's part of being friends, right? And you trust me, right?”

“Definitely - completely!”

“But I'm you're friend too, right? So how do you think I feel about you?”

“W-well...” Riki hesitated, unsure. “That you like me, and...”

“And that you're really nice and funny and smart and cool!” Kyousuke finished with a grin. “I wouldn't be your friend otherwise, would I?”

_It could just be that you feel sorry for me..._ Riki thought for a moment, but he threw the idea away. Kyousuke wasn't the kind of person to do something like that – he was way too nice and genuine. But more than anything else, even thinking about it felt disrespectful to the friendship Kyousuke had shown to him. And that was one thing Riki could never, ever allow.

“I guess so...”

“And you just said that you trust me! So you have no choice but to accept that you're all those things as well!”

Riki stared at him. Kyousuke smiled almost smugly, letting go of Riki's hand finally to cross his arms.

“Unless you don't trust me...”

“No, I do! I definitely do!”

“Then you just admitted you're a great person!” Kyousuke patted his head and Riki blushed, looking down at the ground. “See, see, you can't deny it!”

Riki murmured a little, feeling tricked. Kyousuke laughed again.

“Then, how about we go back in? And don't worry-” when Riki looked worried, he shook his head. “I don't think you need to feel bad about it, but you need to not be around them, right? So we can just say we were hanging out with Rin earlier and you caught her cold. The first part's true, so they wouldn't have any reason to doubt it.”

Riki nodded, blushing a little. “Thank you,” he said.

“Then let's-” Kyousuke took a step but then stumbled, grabbing Riki's arm. Riki held him, confused, and Kyousuke laughed sheepishly.

“Ahah... going out in the snow in our slippers maybe wasn't the best idea... My feet are just a little numb.”

He shrugged, face a little red.

Riki chuckled. “Now that you say it, they really don't feel like feet anymore... I hope it's not bad...”

“Eh, we have a kotatsu. Cold feet are no match for it.”

“True.”

Awkwardly, Riki and Kyousuke tried to move their feet, getting feeling back into them. And then, slowly, they walked back inside, holding hands for balance.

Unfortunately, their timing wasn't particularly good.

“Eh? Were you two just outside? In that cold?” Kyousuke's mom said, dropping her conversation with Kyousuke's aunt to look at them.

“Yeah, we just wanted to get a look at the snow! It was a bit too cold, though...”

Kyousuke kicked off his slipper and his mom gasped.

“Why the hell are you still wearing your slippers?! Your shoes are right there – you could get frostbite, you realise that!”

“It's fine, we were only out for ten minutes!”

“What a stupid thing to do, I can't believe you'd drag Riki into this!”

“Oh, yeah,” Kyousuke said, suddenly remembering, “Riki's sick, I think he caught Rin's cold.”

Kyousuke's mother's face went very red. “And you dragged him out into the snow without any shoes in spite of that?!”

“U-Um...!!” Riki said helplessly, feeling his earlier tears well up in the face of the yelling “I-it's really okay, you don't need to blame him, it was all my fault...!”

“Take him upstairs! I'll get the boys to bring the kotatsu up, you'll need to be warming up immediately!” She whacked Kyousuke on the head lightly as he passed, glaring at him. “Stupid boy – completely stupid!”

“Mama...!”

Ten minutes later, Riki was sitting comfortably in the Kotatsu, Kyousuke at his side and Rin across from him, having snuck over after the others left. Far from feeling nice, his feet were tingling painfully, red hot and burning.

Beside him, Kyousuke was wincing, too.

“W-well...it all worked out, in the end...” Riki murmured, “but it feels like your mother didn't gain any respect for me today...”

“At least she didn't hit you,” Kyousuke grumbled.

“Ahaha...”

Rin sighed dreamily, face an expression of pleasure, and shuffled her body a little further down into the kotatsu.

*

Later that day, Riki found himself standing in front of Kenta and Yuu again, Kenta's mother behind them.

“Well?” she said.

“Sorry for being mean to you,” Kenta said awkwardly, in a mumbled monotone. He scratched his arm. “I didn't know about your parents.”

Riki shot a look at Kyousuke. He shook his head minutely, looking surprised as well – it must have been one of his parents, then, who told.

Judging from the sheer levels of discomfort radiating from Kenta, although Riki had no doubt he'd rather be anywhere else than apologising to Riki right now, he did feel bad about it.

Riki expected himself to feel comforted. And, in truth, he did, a little – while his apology was obviously ordered, he did look guilty enough that Riki could safely feel like he thought it was pretty reasonable that Riki had cried.

But mostly, Riki felt more open and vulnerable than ever. His friends were mostly extremely good about respecting his privacy, and while they never made a big deal about any of Riki's circumstances, he knew that even Rin would never tell anyone about any of them without his permission. That an adult he couldn't question had revealed something that hurt him so much, and to people who not only barely knew him but who possessed only the bare minimum motivation to spare his feelings, made him feel a little less like a person. And not in a good way.

If TV was anything to go by, most people liked not having to keep secrets to themselves and felt good when they were let out. Riki wasn't like that. He liked having things in his mind to keep to himself and think over and bring to the outside world only when and how he chose. And he definitely had not chosen and would not have chosen this.

“It's okay,” he said, mimicking Kenta's monotone almost unconsciously. 

“Are you sure?” Kenta's mother asked, voice dripping with concern. “We'd totally understand it if you still felt a little sensitive, dear...”

“It's fine,” he repeated, firmly. “I don't really care.”

Kenta's mom bit her lip. “If you say so. So – we're all good then?”

Of course not, Riki thought. “Yeah,” he said.

“Kenta?”

Kenta looked Riki in the eye only for a moment. “Yeah,” he said, in the exact same tone of voice.

“Good!” She nodded, once. “Then since that's all been wrapped up, there's no reason why you two won't be able to get along now, right?” Neither boy replied, but she nodded again anyway. “Well then! It's time for dinner now, anyway, so shall we go?”

Riki exchanged a look with Kyousuke before he left. Kyousuke sent him a sympathetic smile that somehow made Riki feel a little better and a little not all in one.

“...it's good, though – I'm getting pretty hungry,” he said, heading off, and Kyousuke followed him.

“Right! The Christmas Eve dinner is the best part, after all! Well, apart from the presents.”

“Because Father Christmas definitely exists,” Riki said.

Kyousuke nodded seriously, both ignoring the way Kenta looked back at them out of the corner of his eye as he walked ahead. “You've got it!”

*

Christmas morning was a little unusual, as despite the far bigger than usual crowd only Rin and Kyousuke were congregating under the tree for presents. The other kids hung back, rubbing their eyes and talking quietly as the younger ones sat beneath the tree together, trying not to make too much noise.

“And here, Riki! There's one for you, too!”

“Ah, really?” Riki took it, surprised – it was a book, and one that looked kind of interesting, too.

“Well, there's no reason Santa wouldn't get a present for you just because you're here instead of home,” Kyousuke said casually. His earlier weird inflections were totally gone – if Riki didn't know better, he'd absolutely think Kyousuke believed every word he was saying.

_Amazing..._

“Santa? Really?” Kenta grumbled, sitting in a chair nearby. He was rubbing his face with his hand, obviously irritable to have been waken up so early.

“Obviously,” Kyousuke replied.

Riki looked away. He'd felt a little bad about deceiving the adults, but now he just felt super uncomfortable.

“And this is the last year he'll be coming,” Kyousuke's dad, looking equally tired, said from nearby.

“What?!” Kyousuke stared at him in horror. “Why?!”

“Santa doesn't give presents to big kids. You don't want to take away toys from the little kids who need them, do you?”

“You just made that up,” Kyousuke pointed out. “I've never heard that rule before. And if he can fly reindeer around the earth with magic why the heck would he have a limit to the presents he could give out?”

“He just does, Kyousuke,” he grumbled.

Yuu and Kenta were watching intently, eyes drifting back and forth.

Kyousuke tapped his chin. “No, that definitely doesn't seem right. Santa would never abandon me like that.”

“Kyousuke.” Kyousuke's mother was gripping the back of Kenta's chair very tightly. Kenta jumped, shrinking away. “Santa doesn't exist.”

Kyousuke stared at her. “Um, of course he does? Unless you've been lying to me-”

“Yes, we were lying to you!” Kyousuke's mother rubbed her temples. “Just like you're lying to me right now. You are way too smart a kid to still be believing in this.”

“No way! Santa exists because of the dreams and hopes of children-”

“Then if your dreams of presents are crushed that's the same thing, hm? Because that's what's going to be happening!”

Kyousuke glared at her. She glared back.

_Maybe you should just give it up_ , Riki tried to say with his eyes.

Finally, Kyousuke sighed. “You guys have no sense of fun,” he complained.

Kyousuke mother sighed elaborately. “Thank you,” she said, and then walked away into the kitchen, muttering something to herself.

Kyousuke frowned. “Wow.” But then he shrugged. “Well, at least we got presents this year, anyway?”

“You can be really brutal sometimes, can't you...?” Riki murmured to himself. And to his surprise, out of the corner of his eye he caught Kenta nodding slowly to himself at the statement.

Once the presents were over, there wasn't much point for Riki to stay around anymore. Normally he'd hang around for a while playing with Rin and Kyousuke, but this year he couldn't bring himself to want that, even with New Years' swiftly approaching, so he decided to call up his guardians early.

“Take care, will you? They're not leaving until New Years' Day, right?”

Kyousuke nodded. “That's right.”

Riki grabbed Kyousuke's arm firmly. “Take care of Rin.”

Kyousuke nodded, utterly serious. “I promise you that I will.” He paused. “And you take care over New Years' as well.”

Riki almost groaned. “Yeah, I will. Well, see you then!” he said, waving as he entered the car.

“See you!” Kyousuke waved back, smiling all the while.

Though despite Kyousuke's pained expression, when Riki sat back in the car's backseat he didn't find himself too worried. People like those guys were awful for people like Riki, but couldn't do anything to Kyousuke and his kind. Even if he was offended, he was sure that they'd never, ever be able to get to him in the same way they did for Riki. They were complete opposites that way, living in different worlds.

It was a thought that would stick in Riki's mind long after he returned home and was asked by his guardians to maintain his posture once more.


	3. Year Seven

** Year Six – [Lonely Pup (In A Christmas Shop)](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWYF9ew3AN8) **

It was awkward.

*

Riki looked out of the window nervously, trying not to shuffle in his seat too much and bother his guardian. He had no idea how to feel about this trip, as depressing as that thought was. It wasn't Kyousuke's or Rin's fault or anything, it was just about him, and he'd hate for them to catch on and worry, but...

It just didn't really feel right anymore.

Once the car stopped, he left reluctantly, silent.

“Hello, Natsume-san,” he said to Kyousuke's mother, standing by the car.

“Hello to you too, Riki-kun!”

He turned back to this aunt. “I'll call you tomorrow,” he said, and his guardian nodded. “Thank you for bringing me.”

“And?”

He bowed at Kyousuke's mother.“Thank you for having me.”

Kyousuke's mother stared at him. Confused, he waited for a response.

Finally, she sighed. “Sure, Riki-kun. Come in, then.”

He started, but she was already walking inside. Hesitantly, he followed.

It wasn't the best greeting he'd ever received. He had already been feeling more than a little worried about this visit, and he really didn't need to feel like he was missing something on top of that. Even the lights on the house he was entering were a disorienting mix of familiar and off in a way he didn't quite know how to explain.

“Riki!”

As usual, Kyousuke hugged him at the door. Thankfully, he pulled away quickly, face shining.

“It's good to see you again!”

Riki nodded. “Ah, yeah! Same.”

“Seriously – where've you been this whole break? It's been totally boring without you!”

“Oh, uh, I spent a bit more time with Masato and Kengo actually. Just how it turned out, I guess.”

Kyousuke shrugged, apparently accepting that response.

“So, shall we get the sweater, then?” Kyousuke's mother asked, and Kyousuke's eyes lit up again.

“Definitely! I'll go-”

“Ah!” Shit. Shit, that was not the way he had wanted this to do. Kyousuke was already heading towards his bedroom and Riki had to raise his voice. “Er, actually, it's fine.”

“Hm?” Kyousuke turned, confused.

“The sweater. It's, ahh, it's fine.”

Both of them were staring at him. Riki tried to appear normal. It didn't seem to be working.

“I just don't really feel like I need to wear it this year,” he tried.

“You don't ever need to wear it,” Kyousuke said. He still hadn't moved.

“Er, right.” Riki glanced away.

“...Oh, well. Sure, I guess. Haha, I guess it was an old tradition in the first place!” Kyousuke rubbed his neck.

Riki looked down, feeling bad. Kyousuke was clearly disappointed. “Sorry! But, um, I'm still here, at least?”

Kyousuke gave him a strange look. “Er, yeah! Yeah, because you're the most important Christmas thing after all, right?”

“...huh?”

This was by far the weirdest conversation he'd ever had with Kyousuke. Riki's mind was scattered, as though a full six years of friendship and getting to how him had been rendered useless with merely one poorly-timed request.

“Remember? I said that the first time you came over!”

“...oh yeah!” Relieved, Riki laughed. “Oh yeah, I do remember that. That made me really really happy when you said that.”

He cut himself off, feeling like he'd pressed the point a little too much, but Kyousuke cheered up.

“Heh, well, it's true!” As though regaining himself, he nodded towards the stairs. “Let's say hello to Rin, then.”

“Yeah!” Riki finally followed him, walking at his side. 

As he went, he thought for an odd moment that he saw Kyousuke's mother watching him. He ignored it. 

“She's not sick or anything, is she?”

“Nah, just too lazy to leave the kotatsu.”

“Urgh, that brings up bad memories...”

“Ahah, I guess I understand you there...” Kyousuke scratched his cheek and looked at him sympathetically. “Well, it wasn't all bad, though, was it?”

_Right, because that was the time I grabbed his hand and the other guys made fun of me for being weird and Kyousuke said it was fine. And then I thought he looked like an angel._

For a moment, he couldn't speak.

Finally, he got something out. “I guess?”

Kyousuke looked at him with concern. “Are you all right? Sorry, I didn't mean to say it wasn't bad or anything...”

“N-no, that's not it! Haha, sorry, I was just thinking about something, that's all.”

“Oh, okay.”

Was it Riki's imagination or did Kyousuke sound a little put out just then?

_Fuck. Wow, great job. You've been so worried about things being awkward that you've made everything five hundred times more awkward than they needed to be._

Riki kept quiet.

As promised, Rin was lazing around in the kotatsu in the living room, dozing off leaning back against the sofa.

“Hey, Rin, Riki's here!”

“Heeeey,” she said drowsily, without opening her eyes.

“It's good to see you, too,” he said dryly.

Eventually Rin opened one eye. “You're not wearing your sweater.”

Riki's eye twitched. “I just didn't think it was necssary.”

Rin stared at him openly. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“...what?” Riki jumped, off guard.

“Who thinks a sweater is _necessary_?” she asked, disbelieving.

“...well, no-one. But why do you care so much?” he asked, becoming strangely heated.

“I don't care.” But she sent him a weird look. “But you're acting weird.”

Riki's stomach turned. Kyousuke was polite enough not to point out the obvious, but Rin wasn't.

“...I've been here for two minutes, that seems a bit of a quick judgement.”

Rin glared at him, but it was her doubtful glare, and after a few moments she gave up and closed her eyes again, obviously not caring enough to follow up.

“...well, uh!” Kyousuke said with a cheerfulness that, to Riki's shock, actually did sound a little strained, “how's your break been, Riki?”

“Good. Kinda busy, though. I've had a lot of books to read.”

“I see,” Kyousuke said with almost exaggerated understanding. “I get that. And you come across a new series and it's so good you start reading and then when you look up it's already evening, right?”

“No, I think that's just you,” Rin said.

“You do tend to get very focused on things,” Riki said, and when Kyousuke looked about to retort continued, “but yes, I do know the feeling.”

“It's been a little boring here, actually.” Kyousuke admitted. “Rin got another cat.”

“Another?” Riki asked, perplexed. “How many is that now?”

“Only four,” Rin insisted. “And what's wrong with that? Cats are great.”

“They are,” he agreed, though he had the feeling Rin didn't mean that in the same way he did.

“Well, since I had so much spare time, I actually came up with something cool for us all!” Kyousuke said, clapping his hands together.

“Oh, really?”

“Mmhm! That's why this Christmas is absolutely going to be the most fun ever – I have the whole thing planned out and all kinds of incredible fun stuff for us to do!” His eyes were shining, and he was smiling in that way he only ever did when he was sure he and everyone else would be having a lot of fun very soon. It was, Riki had to admit, extremely attractive.

“That sounds cool, then!” Riki said, honestly.

“In fact, we should probably get started now, actually. There's so much to do!”

“Right now?”

“Sure, why not?”

_As abrupt as ever..._

“Well, sure.” Riki pushed away from the kotatsu. “What are we going to do, then?”

Kyousuke stood up as well. “A snowball fight! We really haven't done nearly enough of those. I mean, it'd be even better if Masato and Kengo were here as well, but even if it's just the three of us I think we can make it pretty epic!”

“Yeah, that sounds fun.”

Reluctantly, Rin finally pulled out of the table as well. As she shuffled back, her skirt caught on the blankets of the kotatsu and flipped up briefly; Riki looked away immediately, swallowing. It took him five full seconds to realise that because of her black tights, he hadn't even seen anything.

_D-dammit..._

“Sounds fun,” Rin said, brushing off her skirt.

Riki avoided looking at her, feeling awful again.

They headed to the door to grab their shoes. Now that Rin had left the relaxing allure of the kotatsu, she was unusually talkative, and Riki was content for the time being to hang back and let them chat.

Though, seeing them together, smiling and interacting as siblings, eyes sparkling in just the same way... it only made him feel even worse.

_This is so stupid. It's not like I could avoid them forever, or anything._

He took his time tying his shoes, catching his breath.

_I just...need to power through it. It's not like I don't trust myself or anything. Well, that's..._

All of a sudden, Rin and Kyousuke stood up, shoes on.

“Hey, you coming?”

“Ah, yes!” He finished tying his shoes quickly and stood up, too.

“You'll never win with that kind of attitude,” Kyousuke teased him. Rin giggled, and the two set off ahead for the park.

They're really not making it easy, are they...

The road, at least, was well-won, though they had travelled it far more often in summer than in winter. It was a nice area in a town on the smaller side, and it didn't take long for their paths to start edging into the countryside. Here, fields and forests and rivers took turns growing happily, living side by side in a patchwork of beauty and free spirit. All over Riki could see memories playing out – the fence they'd painted different shapes and messages onto one time, and the tree where Kyousuke had tried to make a makeshift swing, leading to Masato almost breaking his arm.

And here Riki was, walking uncomfortably and trying not to notice the way he could see the little patches of skin under Rin's ponytail and above Kyousuke's scarf.

_Wonderful._

Eventually, they happened upon the site that Kyousuke apparently deemed perfect for a fight – an area where a copse of trees edged unevenly into a grass plain dotted with fences and rocks, leaving plenty of areas for forts and hiding spaces.

Before Riki even knew what was happening, Rin and Kyousuke suddenly sped forwards.

“I'm gonna win!” he yelled, laughing, as he headed towards a small group of trees.

Riki stopped for a moment, watching. He couldn't quite help himself smiling at the sight. It was quite comforting – no matter what was going on with Riki, his thoughts alone couldn't affect Kyousuke and stop him from being the kid he really was deep down.

Rin was working on her fort, too, deeper into the forest. When she noticed him watching she raised an eyebrow. “Aren't you coming?”

“Ah, yes!”

It was surprisingly easy to lose himself in the activity, now that he'd calmed down a bit – he'd had more than a few snowball fights with Rin and Kyousuke before that as he built up his stockpile it felt a little like he was re-entering one of his memories.

And, in a word, it was fun. Kyousuke couldn't be happier with anything else.

Kyousuke was the first to break, rushing at Rin with a bunch bundled in his arms. But she outsmarted him, darting under his arms and falling back into the trees, firing back quickly. Kyousuke wasn't so easily hit either, dodging well, but he was forced backwards and eventually ended up being backed into a tree, defenceless.

“I yield, I yield...” he said, with a laugh.

Rin stopped, dropping the balls and smiling smugly. “Eheh...”

“Good one,” Riki called, with a grin.

“Course it was. I'm the best,” Rin bragged.

Riki chuckled. Watching this, his earlier worries felt a little silly. No matter what happened, he and Rin and Kyousuke were all friends and they'd always be able to turn back to this kind of familiar fun no matter what happened.

“Don't be so sure of that – you haven't faced me, yet!” he cried, hunkering down behind his fort and readying his arsenal.

For the next hour, that was how it went – the three of them laughing and playing, running and throwing snow all around. Riki allowed himself to relax, losing himself in the game, enjoying the simple childish pleasure of playing around with his friends.

And then...

Riki surveyed his options. He had a bunch of snowballs, but Rin was playing it unusually safe, keeping to her fort. She'd battled with Kyousuke just before, so no doubt she was low. Under the circumstances, there was only one option: to abandon his fort and run out there in a blaze of glory to take advantage of her weak position.

He gathered as many snowballs as he could. And, taking in a deep breath, set out.

“Yahhhhh!” he cried, rushing ahead to capitalise on the element of surprise.

“Ack!” Rin screeched, and then flusteredly tried to throw snowballs back at him, while snow exploded all around her.

And then all of a sudden-

“Oof!”

Cold cold cold cold cold. Except-

Kyousuke grinned down at him, smirking, eyes narrowed.

“Gotcha,” he said.

In retrospect, he panicked.

Riki kicked him, hard, somewhere in the vague stomach area and scrambled into a sitting position a metre away.

“Wh-what are you doing?!” Riki squeaked.

_New plan. Drive away. Far away. Never talk to anybody again. Because clearly I cannot be trusted to maintain normal relationships with people._

Kyousuke groaned, hunched over and clutching his stomach. Riki felt worse than ever, and shivered from more than the snow against his sides.

_Oh shit. I'm awful, I'm so awful..._

“S-sorry...”

“I was t-trying to tackle you, not attack you...” Kyousuke muttered, breathless and frustrated.

Riki wanted to cry. “Sorry, sorry... you just, caught me by surprise, and...”

“You kick... surprisingly hard...”

Rin peeked over her fort. “...so did we win?”

Riki's heart did a strange jump. “It's fine, I don't need to play anymore,” he said quickly, waving his hands.

Kyousuke sat up properly, looking hurt. “What? Why?”

“I-” Riki grit his teeth, face feeling hot. “Well, I just kicked you.”

“So? I don't care! Look, I'm fine now.” Kyousuke stood up hastily and brushed himself off. “You just surprised me!”

“Okay, that's good...” Riki said, but bit his lip. “Look, just – maybe we should take a break for a while...”

Kyousuke looked at him for a moment. Then, with almost stubborn humour, he said, “...yeah, you're right. We have so many things to do, we should probably get onto the next one now! Let's see, what else was on that list...”

_Oh my god._ Riki stared at him, disbelieving. _You_ still _don't..._

But Kyousuke completely ignored him. “Hmm, I guess that'd be the gingerbread making, then? We've made cakes before but I don't think we've ever made gingerbread, and that's so much fun to ice and stuff, y'know?”

And for just the oddest moment Riki felt like Kyousuke had just told him he believed in Santa.

His stomach lurched. Shaking a little, he brushed himself off and stood up. “...okay.”

In any other situation, Riki knew, Kyousuke would pick up on his discomfort and would smooth the situation over immediately. He'd tell Riki that it was fine, that he could take a break if he wanted, and apologise or make a joke and let it go.

Instead, Kyousuke nodded, and then turned “Okay, great! Let's get back home then so we can get started..”

Rin followed him dutifully, ponytail swaying in the breeze.

_What the hell is going on...?_ Riki thought.

*

The rest of the day passed in the weirdest tug of war Riki had ever experienced.

Kyousuke normally had a tendency to like to control things and organise everyone together, but he was generally pretty okay with people not wanting to take part – after all, Kengo had kendo quite often, and they all just had to live with that. But today, he urged Riki on with a frenetic energy Riki had never seen before, darting from activity to activity with hardly a care...and any time Riki so much as lightly resisted his suggestions, his eyes filled with the kind of hurt you'd expect to see in a kicked puppy.

If Riki could feel any more like the worst friend ever, he did now.

But he couldn't help it. He couldn't stop thinking about it, now, and he felt so overheated and overcharged and all he wanted to do was lie down on his own for a while but he couldn't. Rin and Kyousuke were everywhere, eyes wide and trusting, and every time he saw them he felt so awful. And he kept trying to pull away so things wouldn't get awkward but they they just ended up even more awkward and Rin kept shooting him more and more incredulous looks and Riki was ruining this entire Christmas.

After dinner, Kyousuke's mother pulled him aside.

“Is everything all right?” she asked, looking at him with concern. “You barely touched your food.”

“Huh? Oh, yeah. It's fine.” He waved his hand, uncomfortable. “I just wasn't very hungry.”

“Are you sure nothing's bothering you?”

“It's fine, really.” But he swallowed, realising the opportunity. “Actually, ah, could I – reimburse you?”

“Re-...what?”

“The food must be pretty expensive. And, I mean, I've just been eating it all for years, without even thinking about it, just relying on you guys, coming over here all the time...”

Kyousuke's mother stared at him incredulously.

_Right... I'm saying something weird again_ , Riki thought and kicked his foot into the floor. _But at least this time it's for a good reason..._

When she answered, she spoke slowly. “You don't need to do that, Riki-kun. You're always welcome in here.”

“Mm.”

“I mean it.”

_Stop pretending._

Riki sighed. “Thank you very much, then. Whatever you say.”

He pushed off, heading into the lounge room. It took a few moments for her to follow him.

“Ready to watch?” Kyousuke asked, grinning, from the couch.

Riki stopped walking.

There Kyousuke sat, bundled under the blankets, just like last time. Rin at his side, scooching away for Riki to sit between them, the picture of a loving family.

He didn't know why he hadn't expected this. Of course they'd end up sitting together like this again, drinking hot chocolate and watching a movie. This is exactly what they used to do when they were kids – they'd skipped it over the last couple of years, but they were still kids, right? The others had no reason not to trust him or to think he'd not want to. All they wanted to do was sit close together and watch a fun movie as a family.

It wasn't even a big thing - it was the tiniest, stupidest little thing Riki could choose to be bothered by - but right now the idea of cuddling up in between the two of them and trying to act like a family made him want to throw up.

His legs were shaking. His body was shaking.

“Actually, I'm feeling a little tired,” he said, feeling disconnected from his voice but knowing somehow that it sounded strange. “I think I'll just go upstairs.”

“Riki-”

Riki left, walking up as quickly as he could.

What the hell was he trying to do? He was totally overreacting, like he had been all day. He strode into Kyousuke's room and closed the door behind him, leaning back on it. Everyone was probably worried about him, wondering what was going on, even upset. Kyousuke would definitely be.

His throat was closed. He felt like crying again, for real now. He had to blink away tears, and almost laughed. _I'm old enough to think about all that kind of thing, but still too much of a baby I can't help but cry? Well done, me. Great job._

He heard footsteps and jumped. Before he could react, the door had opened, and an extremely worried Kyousuke was looking through.

“Riki?”

Kyousuke stared at him for a moment. Riki's heart leapt into his throat as he realised that Kyousuke was noticing his reddened eyes, the obvious way he was leaning back away from him.

“...hey, Riki.” Kyousuke stepped forwards, brow furrowed. His voice was shaking in a way Riki hadn't heard before. “What's going on? What happened? I don't understand.”

“Kyousuke, it's-”

“What did I do wrong?” Kyousuke closed the door, walking up close to Riki. Riki's blood went cold – Kyousuke's eyes were tearing up, too. “What's going on? Why don't you want to hang out anymore? I'm so sorry, I'm just an idiot, I have no idea what happened, but I swear I didn't mean it!”

“No, no-” Riki's eyes were hurting, tears were falling out and he can't help it. “No, that's not it, it's fine!”

“Then what is it?” Kyousuke demanded, “Just tell me, and I'll fix it! Like I always do!”

“You can't just – You can't do everything for me,” Riki sniffed.

“Why not?” Kyousuke shook his head, eyes intense. “I always can! Just tell me, I'll fix it!”

“Stop looking at me like that,” Riki snapped, backing himself against the wall.

Kyousuke flinched. “Wh-what?”

“Just... everyone stop...” Riki swallowed thickly. “Everyone stop acting like I'm part of this family.”

Kyousuke stared at him. Riki looked at the ground.

“... _that's_ what you've been worried about?!” Kyousuke asked, dumbfounded, and Riki grit his teeth, because he was so sick of people reacting this way to him today like he's acting totally strangely when this is the most normal thing he's done yet.

“Yes, it is! Because I'm up here, making you all worry – ruining Christmas for everyone, it should just be the four of you, hanging out and having fun, but I just keep – it should just be you guys.”

“...I don't understand.”

“No, you don't.”

Riki crossed his arms, looked away.

_What was Kyousuke, a saint? Surely he should get it by now?!_

But he didn't. He just looked at Riki with the same wide, trusting eyes he always had.

“Sorry,” Riki said. “Sorry.”

Kyousuke stepped forward, hesitantly. “You are like family, Riki.”

“Don't-” Riki covered his face with one hand. “Just – never mind.”

Kyousuke's eyes narrowed. “...you don't want to be?”

“Just stop saying it and it'll be fine.”

“...okay.”

Riki kicked back against the wall, softly.

“...sorry. I'm just...being weird. Overreacting to things, and stuff.”

“If you're upset, you're upset.” Kyousuke run a hand through his hair. “Do you...know what you need to do to feel better?”

Riki bit his lip. “Not really. But, um, I guess... can we just... cool down on everything for a while? Sorry, I know you're trying really hard to make everything fun, but I just kinda want a chance to think and wait around a little, you know?”

“Oh. Sure, sure! Of course!” Strangely, Kyousuke seemed to brighten a little, and laughed sheepishly. “I can do that. Sorry, I guess I thought – I was worried you hated me, so I guess I thought if I kept acting like everything was normal and being your friend like usual that'd – stop? Or I could just ignore it, or-” His hand fell to cover one eye, and he sighed, embarrassed. “Sorry.”

“What? I'd never hate you. I promise.”

“Ahaha.”

Riki gripped his arm. That explained why Kyousuke'd been acting so weird today. It was...a little relieving to know that Kyousuke still didn't know. Even though it made him feel worse than ever for deceiving him.

But... Riki bit his lip. Though he knew he didn't deserve to feel it, it made him feel awful to think of Kyousuke worrying about that.

He stepped forward, looking at him seriously.

“...really. This is just – a temporary thing,” he promised. “Because I already told you we were going to be friends forever, right?”

Slowly, Kyousuke nodded. “I remember that.”

“Yeah. Well, I meant it.” Riki paused. “...even though, I guess, we'd only known each other for a few months by then?”

Kyousuke chuckled. “Kids make friends so easily, don't they?”

“So, I _still_ mean it, I guess I should say.”

Kyousuke's cheeks were still a little red. He smiled just a little, looking almost coy.

“It's a promise.”

He held out his hand.

Riki hesitated.

But when Kyousuke looked at him so hopefully, he really didn't have a choice.

“...yeah.”

He took it.

“...so, let's just try to enjoy Christmas day the best we can, then?” Kyousuke said, tentatively. “But cooled off. Like you said! And no family things.”

Riki blushed a little, feeling embarrassed at his request already. “Right.”

“Maybe we should just go to bed now, then,” Kyousuke said with a sigh. “Ahh, damn, I have kind of a headache now...”

“Sorry.”

“It's fine! Like I said, if you're upset you're upset. But we're cool now, huh? That makes me happy, at least...”

Kyousuke wandered over to his drawer, smiling a little to himself, and something in Riki's stomach quivered in a very different way.

“Eheh, I guess that's a little selfish, though,” Kyousuke said cheerfully, more talking to himself than anything else, and pulled his sweater up, revealing his back for a couple of seconds.

Riki spun around, fumbling with his own shirt.

_Y-yeah... just a little longer, and this'll all be over..._ he thought with a sigh.

*

Christmas morning felt infinitely more comfortable than the day before had been. It was as quiet as usual since the Natsume siblings stopped getting presents, so the three of them mostly hung around in the lounge room, sitting near the tree.

“It looks a little sad, doesn't it?” Kyousuke said, frowning up at it.

“I don't think so. More like... satisfying?” Riki took a deep breath, inhaling the pine scent. “It did its job. Even if the excitement is over, it still happened, you know? It had its fun.”

“It's a tree.” Rin glares at them a little, playing with the cat in her lap.

“That's so unromantic,” Kyousuke complained.

Riki looked up at it. “I really like Christmas trees,” he said. “I dunno, I don't really have an explanation for that. I just do. I guess maybe it's because it always reminds me of my first Christmas with you guys? I walked in and the tree was there and it was so beautiful...”

“...that's a really nice thought.” He looked up, and saw Kyousuke looking at him, smiling.

Riki changed the subject. “But now I'll have to go to New Year's again... ugh.”

“Is it really that bad?”

Riki frowned. “Not really. Just boring. And uncomfortable.”

The others didn't reply. Riki bit his lip, embarrassed.

“...well, coming here the day before does make it better. If I didn't do that, it'd be way worse...” he thought aloud.

It was true. For all that he'd been dreading coming here, and for all that the day before had been something of a failure... being with his friends, at least for this little while, still somehow made him feel a lot better n the end.

_...even if it it's a weirdo 'I'm kinda sorta attracted to both of you even though you're siblings and different genders 'cause I guess that's just not something that matters to me' kind of friendship._

Riki rolled over.

...no, he was right. It was friendship. Even if all that was still happening, the friendship was still there beneath it. He hadn't been able to ignore it earlier when Kyousuke thought he disliked him. And right now, he was so, so grateful to be here with these two people he really cared about.

It actually really did make him feel better.

“So you're definitely coming back next year, then?” Kyousuke said excitedly.

“Huh? Of course I am.” Riki looked up, confused. “Why wouldn't I?”

“But...” Kyousuke clenched his fists, and said all in a rush, “you looked so unhappy all yesterday, and with everything you said last night – and also, back when you got here, you said 'but, I'm here, at least', and maybe I'm just misinterpreting-”

“I'm coming again,” Riki assured him. “Every year. I promised we'd be friends forever, right? Well, this is part of that.”

Kyousuke looked really happy. “Cool. Great! Awesome!”

“...well, it's like you said. I'm the most important part of Christmas. What'd you do without me?” he joked.

Kyousuke grinned. “No idea,” he said.


	4. Year Ten

** Year Ten – [Last Christmas](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3hAJIPn4ldY) **

The room was small and sparsely decorated, with only a little tinsel wrapped around one of the bed posts and a slightly forlorn-looking miniature tree sitting on the desk to signal that it was Christmas Eve. Outside, the snows were late and the ground stayed stubbornly bare and frosty, little crystals clinging to the grass blades beneath the cloudy sky, and within the dorm the three other inhabitants of the room were huddled close around a single heater resting on the floor. Kengo was sitting on the bed, leaning forward, but Masato and Rin had dispensed with any concern over seating and were instead half lying on the floor in front of it.

“Move,” Kengo complained, “you're blocking all the heat.”

“So cold...” Masato muttered, shuffling even closer.

Riki took off his coat, placing it back on top of his chest of drawers. “Kyousuke still not back then?”

“Nope,” Kengo responded. “Do you know where he is?”

“No idea.” He looked around. “It's kinda nice in here, actually. Though I'm surprised Kyousuke didn't try to decorate more – I was really sure he'd go all-out...”

“Me, too.” Kengo sighed. “Though, it was always his parents doing that, wasn't it? Maybe he got lazy and couldn't be bothered.”

Riki chuckled and drew out a chair to sit down. “That's possible...” He looked out the window and sighed. “There's pretty much nobody around. I saw a girl with a parasol over in the backyard, but that's about it. It really does seem almost everyone else went home for the holidays...”

“I guess for most people there isn't any special reason to have Christmas here, so if they have to go home for New Year's they might as well go once the break starts.”

“Yeah, exactly.” Riki paused. “It's really not a bother to you, then?”

“Of course not,” Kengo assured him immediately. “There's no problem at all in taking the train down on the 27th. Honestly,” he said with a smile, “I'd rather spend my break with you guys, anyway.”

Riki nodded, smiling back. “Heh, thanks!”

Suddenly, the door burst open.

“All right, here we are!” Kyousuke strode through and went around the room with a pile of presents bundled in his arms and handed them out to each of the friends.

“Ahh, so this is where you were!” Riki said, looking at the present in pleasant surprise.

“That's right! Sorry for that, it ended up taking a little longer than I expected...”

Kyousuke threw his coat away and collapsed onto the bed with a sigh, looking exhausted.

_Exactly how difficult to get were these presents...?_

Though, he did of course have to look irritatingly attractive when he tossed his head like that. Riki spared a moment to grumble at the thought and then moved on.

“Ooooh, I wanna open it!!” Masato cried, holding his present tightly.

“Not yet,” Riki informed him, and then stood up to head for the drawers. “We have to open them Christmas Day, remember?”

“What the hell's with that,” Rin complained, glaring at her present as though trying to vaporise the wrapping with her eyes.

“That's so cruel, Riki. C'mon, c'moooon, I'll totally give you my lunch for the next week if you let me!”

“I'm not sure why you think that would help. It's not like it makes any difference to me when you open it – I'm just telling you it'll be worth it tomorrow if you wait.” Riki pulled out a bag of his own and returned to the others. “I have presents too,” he explained.

“Whoa, really?” Masato asked, searching for his while Rin grabbed one labelled with her name with a loud 'Yesssss!' “Uwaaa, there's a lot... Seriously, this is way too much!”

“It's fine, it's fine.” Riki shrugged, sitting back down. “I had some New Year's money left over, so I pretty much just used up the rest.”

“Hm?” Kyousuke glanced up from the present he was examining eagerly. “You got your money early this year?”

“Ah, no. It's left over from last year.”

Kyousuke stared at him. “You still have money from last year's New Years?!” he cried.

Riki frowned. “I'm sure it's not as shocking as you're making it out to be...”

“It _is_ pretty strange,” Kengo agreed. “I hardly ever buy anything and I ran out of mine within four months.”

“Even four months is ridiculous...” Kyousuke complained.

_I'm sure his money didn't even last a week..._ Riki thought with a chuckle.

“I dunno. There weren't really all that many books this year I wanted to buy? Maybe I'm just, like, outgrowing them or something.”

“Then you should try reading manga instead,” Kyousuke suggested cheerily. “The youthful spirit within them is something that never ages!”

“No, if I've outgrown books, I'd definitely have outgrown your comics...” Riki looked up at the ceiling thoughtfully. “I guess recently, I've just been thinking that as much as I enjoy reading sometimes, hanging out with you guys is even better? So why not just always do that, you know?” He looked back down again, hastily. “Not that I'm saying you guys don't enjoy hanging out as well!”

“No,” Kengo said with an indecipherable expression, “I think I understand you.”

Riki nodded again. “So, I don't really mind getting you guys stuff. In a way, it's almost like repaying you for all the fun you've given me over the year.”

“Fair enough,” Kyousuke said wisely, smiling at Riki with a strangely serious expression. “I'm sure your feelings will be communicated through the gifts well.”

“Well...” Riki wilted. “I'm actually not that good at coming up with presents or anything, though. But at least you all know the thought behind it.”

“Though, I didn't realise we were gonna be sharing presents this year...” Masato said, rubbing the back of his neck. “I feel kinda bad now, but it's already Christmas Eve...”

“Same,” Kengo added. “I'd have bought something if I knew.”

“It's fine, it's fine. Like I said, there really isn't anything I actually want, so that thought's enough for me.”

“If you say so,” Masato said doubtfully, before finally putting his presents down and returning his attention to the heater.

It was a relaxing afternoon. After the year when Riki was twelve, Kyousuke had mostly abandoned Christmas day activities, and although Riki's request had long since worn off this seemed to be the new norm. It wasn't bad, though. When it was just the three of them, it was fun but rather slow, but with Masato and Kengo around as well there was enough to talk and joke about that Riki honestly didn't even think about the lack of plans.

It wasn't until late that night that the room fell silent again. In the dark, only the heater and the little lights on the mini Christmas tree brightened the small room, just barely light enough that they could see.

Riki looked out the window. The clouds had moved on for now, breaking the implicit promise of oncoming snows, and he could see instead the boundless expanse of the sky, filled with tiny stars.

“When the atmosphere's like this,” he thought aloud, “you can really remember that Christmas is technically supposed to be a romantic holiday.”

“Technically?” Kengo asked.

“Well. It is, I guess, isn't it.” Riki shrugged. “I guess since I've spent it with Rin and Kyousuke's family since I was a kid, it always felt more like a family or childish thing to me.”

“Yeah, it's kinda boring when it's just us guys, though,” Masato said, and then suddenly he cried out in pain.

“Don't forget I'm a girl, dumbass!” Rin yelled from next to him.

“Sorry, sorry...”

“But you do have a point... One of us seriously needs to get a girlfriend...” Riki murmured, scratching his cheek.

“...hey, wait!” Masato suddenly declared, looking back and forth between them. “Why don't you date Rin, then?”

“ _What?_ ” they both cried in unison.

Riki stared at him, disbelieving. “First of all, I'm definitely not going to date someone just so Christmas is less boring for you...”

But to his shock, after her initial reaction, Rin seemed to be looking at him thoughtfully.

After a moment, she turned away. “Nah. If we were dating we'd have to do all kinds of embarrassing things. And it'd take up way too much time.”

Riki frowned. _Okay, it was a terrible idea from the outset, but being rejected for such a pointless reason feels a little bit insulting..._

_At least I'm not attracted to her anymore_ , he thought with a sigh, and then did the immediate customary wince and repression tactics that went alongside ever remembering that Christmas when he was twelve.

_T-too much... retrospective embarrassment..._

“Though,” he said, trying to take his mind off it, “if any of us should have a girlfriend, it should be Kengo.”

“Yeah, yeah! For whatever reason, girls seem to really like you,” Masato agreed.

But Kengo shook his head. “It takes up all my time as it is keeping up with kendo and playing around with you guys. If I had a girlfriend it'd be even worse.”

“I don't mind if you have to dump us for a while if it's for a girl,” Masato said simply.

“Won't happen.”

“Heeeh, well... Kyousuke, then. You're really popular with girls, too.”

“Sorry, Masato. But as the leader of the Little Busters, I have duties to you guys, as well.”

“Seriously, you guys are all thinking way too much about this,” Masato grumbled, even as Riki breathed a small sigh of relief.

“Then, Masato,” Riki suggested.

“...what?”

“You know. You should get a girlfriend.”

“...what on earth are you talking about?” Masato said, in an obviously fake confused voice.

“You know? Girlfriends? What we were just talking about?” Riki said, dryly.

“...Uhoooo, Riki. Are you really gonna make me say it? Do you seriously want me to say it? Was this whole conversation just a set up so you can tell me I'm so undateable that I'll be alone forever?!”

“A-absolutely not.” _Who would want to bring up a conversation like that?_

“Well, that's it, isn't it?! Even if I wanted to, I have no chances there...” Masato sighed deeply.

“What about you then, Riki?” Rin piped up unexpectedly.

“Heeh? Well, I dunno, I'm sorta in the same position as Masato, aren't I? Girls don't generally go for guys like me,” he said with a self-deprecating laugh; Masato groaned again on the floor.

“I dunno,” Kyousuke interceded. “You have a young-looking, cute face. There are lots of girls who are into that.”

“Really? I guess so, theoretically, but... I can't say I've ever come across anyone like that...” Riki shrugged. “I really don't mind, though. It'd feel weird if I got a girlfriend before you guys. And I have to agree with Kengo – playing around with you guys is fun enough that I'm honestly pretty happy to continue doing that for now.”

“Fair point,” Kyousuke said, then chuckled. “I have to admit, I'd be worried if you suddenly started dating... Little Riki, all grown up...”

“I'm only one year younger than you,” Riki snapped. “What are you, an old man?”

“If you did want to date someone, you would ask them out, though, right?” Kengo asked.

Riki looked at him, confused. “Er, maybe? I don't get why everyone's focusing on me – Kyousuke's reason for not dating was way worse.”

“Kyousuke's like a kid, though,” Masato pointed out. “Somehow, he's both the one I can most and least imagine with a girlfriend...”

“No, imagining Rin dating is way worse....”

“Yep,” Rin said, bluntly. “It's impossible.”

“...so, we're back to square one,” Riki said with a sigh.

“It's fine though, isn't it?” Kyousuke said. “It's better when things are more exciting, but it's also pretty nice when it can be just us.”

“That's true,” Riki agreed. “I guess it'll have to happen eventually, but... it'll be pretty sad when we can't all be first in each others' lives anymore.”

The room went quiet, sobered by the thought.

“...I don't wanna even think about that,” Rin muttered.

Riki leaned back. He had to admit, those sentiments mirrored his feelings exactly. The people around him had been the most important in the world to him ever since they first met – even more for him than the others, as he didn't really have a family, either. They were people he trusted and cared about almost infinitely, so much so that it was really hard to imagine that he could ever meet someone he'd be as close to as them.

And, well... He glanced towards Kyousuke. It wasn't as though he actually had serious feelings for him or anything. The attraction from when he'd been younger had never really entirely died down, but Riki knew that didn't necessarily mean anything. Kyousuke was strong and powerful and charming and handsome and cared a lot about him – it was no wonder his feelings were kind of confused sometimes. Though it was a little self-indulgent, Riki had to admit it was pretty comfortable not having to push those thoughts down too often, as long as he kept in mind they were mostly borne out of strong friendship. Once one of them started dating, he wouldn't be able to do that anymore and would have to cut himself off for good.

_...though, if my feelings are getting confused like that, maybe that's a sign I'm spending too much time with him in the first place?_ Riki sighed. _Well, whatever. I'll deal with that later. Maybe. If I need to._

“...well, on that note, maybe we should go to bed now,” Kengo finally said.

“That's kind of a depressing note, though...” Masato muttered.

“Maybe we should think about it another way,” Riki tried, feeling guilty for having brought it up. “Whenever I was younger, I'd really hate having to stay with my guardians for New Year's, since...well, mostly it was just really boring and uncomfortable. But, I feel like – I can't really remember it happening exactly, but I'm sure one time Kyousuke told me that all we needed to do was to have enough fun on Christmas that I didn't mind going the day after because I'd be so worn out and have so many happy memories, you know? So maybe this situation is like that.”

“Did I say that?” Kyousuke said, sounding genuinely unsure.

“It did mean a lot to me,” Riki said, slighty offended. “I thought about it pretty much every Christmas afterwards.”

“If I said it the first year, I would've been seven years old. It's not weird to not remember.”

“I was even younger, though... Ah, whatever. I don't even remember how it happened, either. It's still a good point.”

“It is, actually,” Kengo answered. “We really should be making the most of the time we have while we have it.”

“When you say it like that, it makes it sound like we should be doing something exciting right now,” Masato declared, but Riki shook his head.

“It's ten to ten, so I'll have to go to bed really soon, anyway.”

“Ah, of course,” Masato said, and the others nodded, well aware of Riki's sleeping schedule.

“Well, night then, guys,” Kyousuke said, standing up. “Guess I'll see you all tomorrow morning when it's time to open the presents!”

“Oh yeah! Ahh dammit, now I really wanna stay up even longer...”

“Unless you stayed up all night, it wouldn't help, and that would just make it take even longer,” Riki pointed out, heading to his drawers, and Masato sighed.

The others headed out – Rin wouldn't have any trouble heading back, as the teachers weren't bothering to patrol the dorms over the break – and very soon Riki was lying in bed, just on time.

_As long as we can_ , he thought, and fell asleep.

*

The room was filled with laughter and joy. The others were all gathered close together, ripped wrapping paper all around them, holding up presents and talking merrily. Riki stood by the door, smiling, and watched as Masato tried to hug a very embarrassed looking Kengo. Kyousuke and Rin were laughing, Rin holding the cat collar Riki had bought for her and Kyousuke the merchandise Riki had managed to scrounge up for him.

Strangely, though, now that the initial excitement of waking up had left him, the thought from the night before kept coming back. At the time, he'd just been making conversation, really, and hadn't reflected on it too much even when the others were expressing their sadness, but seeing everyone in the light of the morning was steadily hammering it in to him.

_This'll probably be the last Christmas we'll all have together_ , he thought. _We're first years, so maybe it's not too strange, but it'd definitely be weird if none of us started dating by nearly the end of our second year. And then only a few months later, Kyousuke will graduate, and.._.

Riki looked out the window. The sky was overcast again and heavy, the cool promise of snow in the air. The tension pinged at Riki's stomach and left him restless.

He moved forward, manoeuvring around the others to grab his coat and scarf and came back out, stepping outside the back door and into the cold air.

“Hey, hey! Close the door!”

“I'm closing it...”

The cool air was a little shocking and helped to settle his stomach a little. He wasn't sure why he was feeling so strongly now. Maybe it was that the joy of seeing his friends so happy was mixing with the inherent nostalgia of Christmas and his worries about the future to create one oversensitive mess? His skin was prickling and he breathed in and out, deeply.

The door opened – Kyousuke stepped out beside him. He, as everyone, was still wearing his pyjamas, along with a big, thick coat over the top.

“Masato's?” Riki asked, nodding to his shoulders.

Kyousuke shuffled forwards and nodded. “Yep. Heh, reminds me of the sweaters, now that I think about it.”

“Ahah.” _No memories. None._

Kyousuke cocked his head. “So what's got you looking so pensive?”

“Ah, nothing, really.” Riki dragged his foot over the frosty grass. “Just... thinking about the future, I guess. This year went so fast...”

“It really did.”

“Next year'll probably be the same. We'll come back to school, get used to a new class, and then there'll be the trip and the festivals – and probably someone will start dating, that'll be exciting...” Riki sighed. “And then it'll be Christmas again and the new year and before we know it, you'll be gone.”

“I won't be gone permanently or anything. Only graduated.”

“But you'll be really busy with work, and I'm sure you guys won't accept me not trying for uni...”

“Of course not. You're clearly smart enough to manage it.”

“A second-rate one, maybe... But anyway, I'll be studying for that. And you would definitely probably have a girlfriend by then. So you'll be in a whole different city, working nine to five and spending as much time with her as you can, and I'll be spending all my free time studying...” Riki sighed. “Compared to this life where we practically live just down the hallway from one another, it'll _feel_ pretty permanent.”

“But it won't be.” Kyousuke turned to him seriously. “After that, you'll graduate too, right? And then you can...come with me.”

“To the same city?” Riki thought. “That would be nice. But...” Riki looked up at the sky. Was it his imagination or were little snowflakes already starting to fall? “It still makes me feel...very sad.”

Kyousuke was looking at him. “Because we're going to be friends forever, right?” he said, quietly.

“...yes.” Riki chuckled a little. “Sorry, that was pretty fatalistic, wasn't it? Even if I were busy, I'm sure you'd never give up as long as still wanted to see the rest of us...”

“Never.”

It was definitely snowing now. Riki let out a huff of pleasure, watching the little flakes twirling and twinkling downwards.

He held out his hand for one, smiling.

“...hey, Riki.” Kyousuke pushed his hands further into the pockets of his coat. “I actually have another present for you.”

“Heh?” Riki turned, surprised. “Oh, really?”

“Yeah! I came up with a cool idea so I couldn't let it go, but you're the only one with a second one so it'll have to be a little secret.” He grinned conspiratorily.

“I'm already intrigued.” Riki looked around Kyousuke's person – had he taken it into his hand and dropped it into the pocket?

“Oh, it's not really a physical gift. Well, it is, in a way...”

Riki narrowed his eyes. Even if it turned out terrible the mystery was already well worth it alone.

“It's over here!” Kyousuke held out his hand. Without thinking, Riki took it, letting himself be lead forward.

_That was a bad idea,_ Riki thought, trying not to quiver his hand too much, despite his nervousness. But Kyousuke' hand was warm in the outside air, and it was so rare they actually held hands properly anymore... 

And then he thought: it's Christmas. Today, surely, can be one of those days I let it happen, right?

So he smiled a little to himself, secretly, and let Kyousuke lead him forwards.

Kyousuke took him across the school grounds, past the dorms and even the sports club fields. They journeyed for as long as fifteen minutes through a large copse of trees, heading, from what Riki could see, almost to the hillside at the edge of the school.

_Where the hell...?_

Eventually Kyousuke stopped, letting go of his hand. “Could you wait here just a moment? There's one last thing I need to do to get it ready!”

Riki nodded immediately. “Of course. I have no idea what's going on anyway, so I have no reason to complain.”

Kyousuke grinned, gesturing for him to stay where he was, and then turned a corner, passing behind a thicket of trees until Riki couldn't see anymore.

_...what on earth is going on?_

Riki narrowed his eyes, trying to see through the trees, but no, nothing. Even in the winter, there were enough evergreens here to obstruct his view. He looked around him – just trees and frost, and the little amount of snow that had gathered in the last couple of minutes. As far as he could tell, they were on the extreme west side of the school, perhaps off campus entirely.

And Riki couldn't for the life of him think of what could be here.

_Has he hidden something?_ He wondered. _Something from the teachers? Something big?_ It sounded like something Kyousuke would do. But Riki couldn't think of what kind of big thing Kyousuke would want to give to him or show him. Even coming up with cheap presents for himself was tough, let alone big ones.

_He hasn't given me_ nature _as a gift, has he?_ He wondered, bewildered, but the thought of Kyousuke even finding some pretty little secluded spot or whatever, let alone thinking that it'd be a reasonable gift to Riki, was weirder than anything else he could come up with.

Wait, Riki suddenly thought, hadn't he seemed strangely exhausted yesterday? And he'd said he was off buying gifts...

Kyousuke reappeared around the corner. “All right, it's ready!”

Cautiously, Riki stepped forward, following behind Kyousuke as he urged him on. His heart was beating fast, eyes wide and searching.

He saw it at the end, in a small clearing surrounded by trees near the base of the hills, and he gasped.

It was another huge tree – an evergreen, perfectly round at the bottom and coming to a point more than a metre above his head. But what took his breath away were the decorations all over it – endless tinsel in silver and gold, sparkling crystal beads, and lines of shining stars. There were baubles in red and green and every other colour he could imagine, and apples and stars and drums and angels, candles and presents and bows and little Santas. There were little golden packages wrapped in a metallic covering like chocolate, and at the top there sat a beautiful, giant, glittering star. And all over the tree were countless lights, multicoloured and white, simple and star-shaped, winking merrily in pretty patterns.

Riki trembled.

There were little pockets of snow gathering here and there, the flakes criss-crossing in and out of his vision, falling softly like stars that had fallen from the sky. And the tree shined.

“Wh...what...?”

It was so huge that the only thing he could think to compare it with were the giant pieces normally put on in hotels and shopping streets throughout December, but the atmosphere this one gave off was utterly different. There was no colour scheme here, nor carefully matched identical baubles distributed evenly across the expanse. Here there was a bit too much tinsel; there, two strands of lights twisted and tangled. It couldn't be clearer to him that every inch of this tree had been decorated specifically by Kyousuke himself.

“I thought...” Ah, there it was – a battery pack, hidden almost behind the tree. That had to be how he was lighting it and what he had been setting up just then, Riki realised. “...that it wasn't quite Christmas without a proper tree. And, I mean... you said, I think three years ago? That you really liked Christmas trees, and that it always reminded you of when we had our first Christmas together, and-”

Kyousuke closed his mouth. He was blushing, and glanced away from Riki's eyes.

He'd never seen him look that nervous before.

“It's gorgeous,” Riki said, awe in his voice.

Kyousuke looked back up to him.

There was something in his eyes then. It was so strong it almost made Riki want to take a step backwards, into something solid. He'd always admired the passion that Kyousuke could show when it came to things he cared strongly about, but never before had he had this level of intensity directed straight to him without filter.

But it wasn't overbearing. He wasn't pushing anything on to Riki. Rather, he was... asking.

_Please, Riki._

He still looked so nervous.

Riki swallowed thickly. He looked away.

_No_ , he thought. _I don't know what you want from me._

It felt like every movement of his was being scrutinised with incredible concentration, and that every moment he waited was hurting Kyousuke terribly.

But he couldn't think – his heart was too full, his head was too busy. There were too many half thoughts – But I, and But he, and No, and Remember- and the snow was falling and Kyousuke had decorated _this entire tree just for him_ , how did he expect him to respond to that?!

So, he didn't.

“Yeah!” he said, blowing the air out of his lungs, feeling himself stabilise, the world becoming a little less blinding. “Yeah, it looks really amazing! I can't believe you put this much work into it – heh, it definitely makes my Christmas this year!”

He was looking at the tree, now. Kyousuke took a moment.

“Mm,” he said, voice clear as ever. “Well, like I said, I got the idea, and as soon as I had it there really wasn't any way to let it go.” He shook his head. “It's like that other Christmas three years ago – I was so excited for it, and I ended up planning that much, remember? It's the same thing.”

“Well, it paid off.”

They watched the tree for a few moments longer, and then Kyousuke stepped forward.

“Well, this thing isn't going to last much longer, so I better turn it off,” he explained, heading to the battery.

“Of course. Where'd you get it? Just a gift, I guess?”

“Always knew it would come in handy one day.”

And then in a moment the lights were gone and it was really over.

“Let's head back, shall we?” he said, and Riki nodded.

“Guess so.”

*

That night, Riki lay in bed, strangely awake.

The heater was humming loudly across from them, as close as it could get to the beds without there running a risk of Masato accidentally stepping on it when he jumped down. Riki opened his eyes and looked at it, warm and red.

It was so beautiful though, dull light softening the wooden edges of the room, the image before his eyes blurring slowly.

And then – _I wanted to stay there longer. I wanted to look at it more. Maybe if I'd done something differently we could have stayed there a little longer._

Riki blinked. He rolled onto his back, shuffling into his blankets until they covered his chin.

As he closed his eyes for the last time, he thought: _Maybe I've fallen in love with him._

And then he turned over, teeth gritting, breath catching. _No, that's wrong_ , he thought in frustration.


	5. Year Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas, everybody! Hope you enjoy! <3

** Year Thirteen – [I'd Like You For Christmas](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8w_PFFfYhCs) **

It was Kyousuke's idea, of course.

He came home from university one day to find Kyousuke standing atop a ladder, open boxes of decorations all around him, swearing as he tried to fix a banner reading 'Merry Christmas!' along the top of one wall. Other baubles and figures were scattered around, along with, most bewhilderingly of all, an entire small pine tree shoved up against one corner.

“Ah, Riki!” he called, pleased, as Riki closed the door. “You couldn't grab me another nail, could you?”

Riki almost didn't know what to say. “What on earth are you doing?”

“Decorating. What else would I be doing?”

Without thinking, Riki headed forward, looking for a box. “Near my feet,” Kyousuke pointed out, and Riki found one and handed it up.

“...I can see that,” he said testily, wondering where to start. “First of all, it's November.”

“Late November.”

“It's the twentieth.”

“That's in the second half. That counts as late.”

Riki rubbed his temples. “Okay, fine. But it's still more than a month until Christmas.”

“That's true! But why wait? Christmas is the most fun time of the year, and the season starts as soon as the decorations go up, so why _not_ keep the spirit up for as long as possible?”

“All right,” Riki conceded, sitting down on the other chair to watch him. “Second question: where the hell did you get all this stuff?”

“Favours.”

“Fav-” Riki glared at him. “Who the hell gives out Christmas decorations as favours?”

“People I ask to? Got a bunch from home as well.”

Now that he looked, he could indeed see some ornaments he recognised – even the badly-shaped gingerbread and star cut-outs they made one year when Riki was seven or eight or so.

“...well.” He faltered. What seemed like a totally unbelievable scene just moments before had turned out, somehow, to be mostly understandable.

It wasn't the first time this had happened since they started living together, and Riki had long since learned that he should save his energy for the times when Kyousuke didn't manage to pull through with an explanation.

“...I'll get the dinner started then.”

“Oh, that's fine, I can do it-”

“Don't worry, don't worry. I'll do the dishes, too. You are doing this for me as well, I guess.”

Kyousuke grinned and nodded. “Naturally!”

It was hardly the largest kitchen, or apartment for that matter. For most tenants, it'd be a one-person mansion – only the fact that Riki had practically lived at Kyousuke's house for a good eight years, and then spent another three with another man in a much smaller dorm room, had kept them pretty much in the same humour they'd always been.

It was just the most practical option. Riki knew perfectly well that he'd absolutely need a degree if he'd ever want a chance at getting a job, but after he graduated high school he couldn't help feeling strongly that he was loathe to rely on either his guardians or the Natsume family anymore, and that feeling was only growing stronger and stronger the longer he lived here. Relying on Kyousuke, who already had a steady income, wasn't too much better, but at least he could say for sure that it was arrangement based on friendship rather than dependence, and he was determined to pay him back someday however he could. With a one-year headstart on Masato and Kengo, Kyousuke was in the most stable position and had the most money coming in, such that Riki didn't mind so much relying on him, even if it did feel uncomfortably like a step back at times, and with Rin still living at home and Riki not feeling nearly comfortable enough with the other girls that living with them wouldn't be totally weird, this was clearly the best option.

...though, Riki thought as he started the rice cooker and headed to the fridge to see what was available, he had to admit that it didn't quite always look like that from the outside.

His friends all knew the situation, naturally, and believed them when they explained, but the same couldn't be said for everyone else. He was still wincing remembering Kyousuke's parents' last visit – his mother's cooed words of 'oh, you've pushed the futons apart' and 'you know you're basically part of the family now, Riki-kun' and all those strange declarations that she loved them both forced into conversations unnaturally still echoed in his mind. The fact that Kyousuke still hadn't dated anyone, he had to admit, only made it look so much worse, even if Riki had dated now and then. Though, that just reminded him of those terribly pitying looks Kyousuke's cousins had kept sending him that one time he'd told them he was seeing someone. It hadn't worked out with her, but he'd been _right there_ – did they really think he wouldn't notice?!

Leftover beef, he noticed, and when he checked the carton there were plenty of eggs left, too. _Omelette rice_ , then, he thought with a nod, and took out the beef to reheat it.

As he moved to the stove, he caught sight of Kyousuke through the kitchen door. He was wearing that special smile he only wore when he was engrossed in a task that was sure to make other people happy – proud and determined and excited, and all totally unconscious. He was fiddling with a wreath, trying to angle it correctly – he'd never been one for minute details so Riki had no idea what criteria he was using to judge success (probably, he admitted with a mental chuckle, something vague like 'capturing the Christmas spirit'), but after a moment he nodded, satisfied, and moved on to another wreath to add to the rapidly-disappearing wallspace.

_Why does he like Christmas so much?_ Riki wondered. _It suits him, sure, but I've never seen him like this with any other holiday. Not so excited he's ready for it over a month beforehand._

Riki realised he was smiling, leaning against the edge of the doorway. He was so expressive – the innocent delight he got from the simplest things never failed to make Riki feel happy. He had sort of thought vaguely once that if he were living with him and had to deal with chores and cleaning up and all sorts of domestic arguments like that this simple pleasure would be eroded, but it hadn't. Kyousuke had his flaws, all of which had become only more apparent since that time in the dream, but they sat alongside his strengths, which flew above those of ordinary people. There were many habits Kyousuke had that Riki had gotten tired with in the last three months, but the joy he got from seeing him smile was, if anything, stronger than ever.

...it's not as though, he'd admit much more quietly, he wasn't aware of the possibility that Kyousuke might have feelings for him.

They knew each other far too well by now for that. There were too many little pieces of memory strands – of looks and touches, bright eyes and redded cheeks, for him to safely say otherwise. Where before he might have, consciously or unconsciously, doubted that Kyousuke could see him as something wonderful in the way he saw him, the time in the dream had revealed the falsity of that, too – regardless of what kind of pedestal anyone might put him on, Kyousuke cared about Riki, not just as someone in need of protection but as a friend, and wanted to be with him and liked things about him and even, in some ways, admired him. It felt boastful to admit that, but Riki forced the thought to stand. He had, in fact, done things he could be proud of.

Nor were his own feelings so clouded anymore, either. Back when they were younger Riki had been able to sit confused as he looked things over, unable to make conclusions beyond that his feelings for Kyousuke were different to his feelings for his other friends (unhelpful, naturally, since attraction aside, the differences weren't much larger than the difference in care he had for Rin versus Masato or any other comparison he could make), but when he sat down now and placed these feelings alongside those those he'd had for Haruka or Mio or Kud or Kurugaya in the dream, a startling pattern emerged. It was weird to think that he felt the same way for a guy as for a girl, but at least it was a very familiar sort of weird, and he couldn't bring himself to get as worked up about it as when he was twelve at any rate.

Looking back, he knew that there was a time in the dream when he felt he was being truly honest about his feelings. He'd understood perfectly then, in the baseball diamond, what he wanted to say and what his feelings were, and he still believed that he'd communicated it perfectly. But at that time, categorising his feelings had felt almost absurdly unnecessary. He cared about Kyousuke – hugely, impossibly. It didn't matter how that was, except that it was true. In the real world, though, where choices had to be made and lines considered every day, that kind of thinking wasn't all that helpful.

Nevertheless, he probably loved Kyousuke, as much as he still wasn't sure how he felt about it.

But.

Things in real life were much more complicated than they were in books. While it might feel nice and optimistic and romantic to declare that people should confess their love because it just might work out, the truth was much less forgiving.

Firstly, he and Kyousuke were living together. And while he couldn't ignore that Kyousuke might have feelings for him, he couldn't say that for sure, either. No matter how close they were, if Kyousuke didn't feel the same way it would be incredibly awkward. Even if Kyousuke were prepared to keep it up anyway, Riki wasn't sure he could. It would be way too painful. Something would have to give.

But more than that, what if they got together? No matter how Riki looked at it, how many times he turned the possibility over in his mind, it was hard to think of how he could make himself less employable. It sounded crass to be bringing in questions of money when it came to love, but Riki already knew that even with a degree there was no small chance he'd never be able to find a willing employer, as several professors had already informed him with irritatingly concerned expressions. Even if he did find someone kind enough to make allowances for his narcolepsy, as soon as it came out that he was dating a guy, he'd be first on the list to be cut – whether because of outright, direct homophobia on the part of a boss or a gentler, 'you don't seem to be getting along with your coworkers and it's disrupting the team atmosphere' line of reasoning it ended the same way for him. Other people might have the privilege of being able to throw away part of their life for something greater, but Riki just plain didn't have that much to lose.

And Riki...was tired.

He'd managed to get this far thanks to a combination of his friends' dedication and unwavering desire to help him out and his guardians' money and faith in appearances, but he could no longer count on the latter and he'd do anything necessary not to need the former. However fun being with the Little Busters had been, his grief due to his parents' death had lain almost constantly just under the surface for years, and even if he didn't count all of the trauma caused by the accident (including, among more emotional factors, mild PTSD, and wasn't Riki glad to have _that_ listed on his psychological record on top of everything else), the experiences he'd had in the dream had been extreme enough.

He was tired of it. He was so, so tired of constantly having to think about things and worry about them and just accept all of the awful shit that happened in his life. He didn't want it, and he didn't deserve it, either.

Just once, he wanted something to be simple – a choice taken out of his hands. 

If Kyousuke wanted to confess, he'd deal with it. But as long as he didn't, their life together would continue this way. It might even be better for the two of them.

Unless, that is, Kyousuke did like him and was exclusively into guys. In that case, it'd be benefiting Riki only.

Riki turned away from the door and turned the stove on, readying the beef.

He could be selfish just this once, though. Right?

*

Ahead of him, Kyousuke was watching some kind of cheery-sounding Christmas special on TV, all happy friends and sleigh bell sounds. The room glittered with the lights of the Christmas tree they'd decorated together just over a month ago, the smell of sugar and chocolate pulsed through the room, and loud cheers periodically came through the wall to next door, along with a constant stream of sometimes Japanese sometimes English Christmas music.

Riki twitched, tapping his pen against the notebook.

The room felt quiet, briefly, and Riki sighed, but before he could even catch his breath a new song started – a popular one, Riki guessed dryly after the partygoers next door all but screamed and he jumped almost out of his chair.

He groaned, letting his head drop onto the table.

Kyousuke turned, slinging his hand over the back of the chair. “Is it really that bad?” he asked, sounding sheepish. “Do you want me to turn it off?”

“No, no – don't give up your fun just for me.” Riki sat up and forced himself to look at the words in his textbook and make sense of them.

“...I just still don't really understand why you need to be working this hard,” Kyousuke said in a rush, and smiled a little guiltily when Riki looked up with an annoyed expression. “Sorry – I know you take this seriously. But it's Christmas Eve...”

“...I know.” He looked down at his book but the memories were resurfacing, making him feel so much more and so much less like studying, as usual. “But this is due on the third, so if I'm not going to be able to work through New Year's, then...”

Kyousuke watched him. “So you are going, then.”

Riki sighed, rubbing his head and dropping his pen finally. “I don't know.”

The loud music pounded in his ears. The headache which had formed earlier was only getting worse, but even the idea of getting up to get a glass of water made him a little antsy.

“...what's going on, exactly?” Kyousuke asked, finally.

Riki chewed the inside of his cheek. The pressure building in his head was becoming too much, and with everything else going on he couldn't bring himself to care about Kyousuke knowing the basic details anymore.

So he sighed. “I'm not really...their favourite person right now. Not that that's ever been true,” he admitted wryly, “but more than ever now.”

“Why?”

“Appearances. What else is it ever?” He leaned back, closing his eyes. “They've never been that pleased about us living together like this, you see.”

“Ah.”

Riki grit his teeth. “The thing is, I'd love to go and prove them wrong, you know? But they don't even care. It doesn't make the slightest difference to them. As long as it looks like we might be together, y'know, they'll be irritated, 'cause that's all they actually care about.” He scratched his arm. “Not that I ever wanted them to care about my life, but. You know?”

Kyousuke nodded. “Yeah.”

The scene fluttered in his mind again, making his throat close. He sat up, hand taking up the pen again almost automatically.

“...so that's it,” he lied, trying to focus on the book again. “Just that.”

“...well, I won't say it doesn't matter,” Kyousuke said.

Riki looked up, surprised. Kyousuke was looking at the tree, turned away so Riki couldn't see his expression.

Riki watched him, confused.

He looked down at his book again.

He wanted more than anything else to concentrate, but now that he'd thought about it he couldn't manage to drive the images from his head. They were bearing down on him, like hungry animals on a trapped child, and after several long moments of head pain he gave up and let himself remember.

“Riki-kun,” she had said, in her typically firm voice, folding one hand over the other. “It seems that you are suffering from some misapprehensions, here.

“You keep saying that you don't want us to 'have to take care of you' anymore. But aren't you merely asking society to take care of you with the way you're acting? You want to go to university – fine. We can accept that. But you cannot expect to find a company who will be willing to take you on as a charity, no? Your alleged generosity is merely selfishness in another guise.

“We do not make our offer out of the goodness of our heart. We knew when we decided to take you into our house nineteen years ago that this would be no easy endeavour, but a decision that we would be expected to uphold for the rest of your life. And we are prepared to do what is necessary. We cannot promise you an extravagant standard of living, but we can one that will see to your needs. We are even prepared to provide for any family you wish to make for yourself.

“However.” She looked at him, small and unimposing yet filled with a greater sureness than anyone he had ever met before. “We chose to take you in for a reason, Riki-kun. I trust you understand that? I believe the arrangement has been beneficial for the both of us, and neither of us have any desire to end it. But surely you must understand that if your actions were to give rise to any unpleasant rumours, it is our family that would be harmed by them. Yes?

“We do not ask anything great from you, Riki-kun – merely that you live a quiet life that does not stand in the way of our desires. But if you cannot manage this, I am afraid that we also cannot continue to uphold our promise.”

Her husband, who had remained quiet until now, almost jumped as Riki's attention turned to him.

He fiddled with the piece of paper before him. “Sorry, Riki-kun,” he said.

Riki's hand trembled.

“Riki?” Kyousuke sat up, concerned.

Riki stood up. “You know what?” he said, almost breathless, “let's go. Let's just go.”

Kyousuke stood up as well, confused. “Where?”

“I dunno.” Riki headed to the bedroom, grabbed their coats and gloves. “Into the city. See the lights.”

Kyousuke nodded. “Sure.”

Somehow, the further he stepped from his desk, the more the tension drained away from him. He let the feelings drop from him with every step he took down the street, mind becoming pleasantly numb.

_Maybe I should just give it up_ , he thought.

_For now_ , he hastily amended, but the thought stood.

Still, as he walked through the night with Kyousuke, he had to admit that this did feel a lot more pleasant than his alternative plans. The lights were all out, bright and happy as they shone through the falling snowflakes, and people rushed to and fro, talking happily. Though it was cold, snow had already piled up in little clumps here and there on the ground, giving the city a fully Christmas atmosphere that more than made up for the discomfort.

“Feeling better?” Kyousuke asked as they walked.

Riki nodded, grinning. “Definitely! Actually, what were you watching back there?”

They lost themselves in conversation, heading almost unconsciously through the streets to the main shopping area.

At one point, Kyousuke stopped, looking into a shop's window.

“Whoa, a giant sleigh,” Riki said, peering in.

“Big enough to sleep in,” Kyousuke added.

“Kinda makes you wonder who would actually buy it,” Riki admitted. “It's probably ridiculously expensive.”

“But isn't there something special about a cool bed? Whenever you have to say goodbye to your friends and your life and go to sleep again it's so boring and sad. If you had somewhere fun to lie, it'd totally break that monotony!”

“...are you talking about that racecar bed you wanted?”

Kyousuke glared into the window, fists clenched. “I really wanted that bed.”

Riki patted his arm, sighing. “There there. I guess. Though I have to admit it's better for me this way – we've got barely enough room to fit a normal bed in the apartment, let alone one of those monstrosities.”

“You take that back!” Kyousuke cried, clearly insulted.

“All right. Unpractical sources of needless childhood nostalgia?”

“Much better.”

Riki chuckled. “You know, when I think about it, it's kind of strange that I still remember that when even – what, three years ago? - I already didn't remember you making that promise to me.”

“Sometimes the little things are the most important,” Kyousuke suggested.

“No, I assure you I never had the slightest investment in that bed.”

They continued to walk, talking in this way, and almost no time at all seemed to pass until they had reached the main shopping stree.

When they turned the corner, they stopped momentarily, breathless.

“It's beautiful,” Riki murmured.

There were lights all down the street in a bright gold, tangled around the trees and plastered to the walls of the nearby buildings. The walkway was filled with people congregating joyously, laughing and clutching last-minute Christmas presents and hasty dinners. And at the end, in the middle of the square, obscured by the falling snow, sat a ginormous Christmas tree fully decked out in gold and silver, shining like a sun.

Kyousuke was smiling. “Brings back memories,” he said, seemingly to himself.

It hit Riki hard then – yes, of course. Here they were, staring in awe at a beautiful Christmas tree, lit up in the snow. As though transported suddenly back to that moment, Riki felt his heart thump, and his skin shivered as all of the thoughts that had run through his head back then returned to him.

Nothing's changed, huh...

He looked around them, paying closer attention to the people going by. As he thought, there were a bunch of families and a few groups of girls or sometimes boys, but by and large most of the people going by were couples, holding hands or walking side by side. He saw one woman gasp and point at the tree, and her boyfriend put an arm around her shoulders; another was talking loudly to her boyfriend while he laughed and looked at her fondly.

_Oh_ , he thought.

Kyousuke chuckled. “Yeah, seems like it's mostly couples, doesn't it?”

Riki jumped. “Mm. Well, it is a romantic holiday.”

Kyousuke looked at the tree one last time, then turned properly. “Shall we get something to eat, then?”

Riki nodded. He was beginning to get the bad feeling that this hadn't been a good idea, but turning back now would probably be even worse.

Naturally, they didn't even attempt to find any actual restaurants nearby, and all the stalls selling chicken were so packed that they passed them over with merely a glance as well. Even then, there were so many people around it took them nearly half an hour to get a couple of bowls of ramen.

Riki watched the people around them as he broke his chopsticks. Even in this place which was built in a traditional style, Christmas decorations were all over the shop and Christmas carols blared through the speakers. Within the confined walls the happy chatting he'd seen outside converged into an inescapable loud _noise_ that threatened to bring back Riki's headache.

And still, he and Kyousuke were the only pair of two men hanging around together he could see.

“Thinking about college again?” Kyousuke asked, in between mouthfuls.

“Huh? ...no. Not really thinking at all, actually.” He returned to his noodles, eating some more before continuing. “...just kinda taking it all in, I guess.”

“Best time to do it!” Kyousuke's eyes sparkled in a way that made Riki's stomach jump a little. “Doesn't the whole Christmas atmosphere take you over? It's like, whenever a whole bunch of people get together celebrating the same thing it becomes so much more than the sum of its parts! All this-” he waved his chopsticks at the ornaments strewn around the shop “-doesn't really mean anything on its own, you know? But we all know that it means Christmas, and we all agree to be happy about that, and it actually works!”

“Is that why you like Christmas so much, then?” Riki asked, understanding finally.

“Hm?”

“Well, I always wondered. Maybe it's just me, but it always seemed like you loved Christmas in this way that you didn't for any other holiday. I just started thinking about it recently and wasn't sure why?”

Kyousuke raised an eyebrow, smiling almost in confusion. Riki started.

“Isn't it obvious?” he asked.

Riki didn't answer.

Kyousuke picked up his chopsticks again, returning to the bowl. “Well, it's because of you, mainly.”

Riki's stomach jumped again. “Heh?”

Kyousuke shrugged, swallowing another mouthful. “Yeah. Because it was always the holiday we spent together, right? In a way that was different than for other days. Because you were always worried about New Year's, so I wanted to make it as fun as possible to make up for it. Though...” Kyousuke sighed, as though bothered a little. “For that reason, I could never really enjoy New Year's, either, since I was always worried about how you were doing. For ages my cousins were convinced I'd turned out really serious and boring, since that was the only time they ever saw me...”

_I never knew that..._ Riki thought.

“But, heh.” Kyousuke ate some more noodles, and smiled almost self-deprecatingly. “Thought you felt the same way, for some reason.”

“I did!” Riki responded immediately, eyes wide. “I mean...” he looked down, feeling stupid. “I just didn't think about it, I guess. But you're right – I really, really enjoyed whenever we could have Christmas together. And I really appreciated everything you did for me.”

Kyousuke looked up. For a moment, there was something else in his eyes – Riki could tell.

But then he looked away again, smiling in a way that didn't seem to match what Riki had just seen. “That makes me happy, then.”

Riki went back to his bowl. There was a sudden movement - the man on his other side had turned away, as though he'd been listening in on their conversation.

_Why would you eavesdrop on something like that?_ Riki thought, tired and irritable. _What difference does any of it make to you?_

Ignoring everyone else in the shop, he kept his head fixed on the bowl, and they finished dinner in silence.

Afterwards, Kyousuke seemed to regain his spirit. “Let's have a look around, then,” he suggested as they left the store.

Riki's headache was back for real now. He was feeling moody and overfull with thoughts and feelings and soup and every time he looked at everything Christmassy all he could think of was Christmas tree presents and childhood promises and couples holding hands.

But he nodded. “Yeah, sure!”

If Kyousuke caught on to his hesitance he didn't show it. Instead he smiled and they headed off, walking back down the street to look into all the lit-up shop windows.

It was just sort of _everywhere_ – bright lights winking in his face, five different songs from different stores blasting all at once, couples standing nose to nose ( _can you not wait until you get home?_ He wondered irritably), all red and green and gold and yelling and huge signs reading 'MERRY CHRISTMAS!!' and Kyousuke gushing over everything. He tried to keep up the good humour but it was getting hard. He was tired.

Eventually, Kyousuke seemed to give up. “Sorry,” he said with a sheepish shrug, “I guess you're probably getting pretty cold, huh?”

“If you wanna stay longer-”

“No, it's fine. We went out in the first place so you could relax, right?”

“Not everything has to be for me, though...”

“If you don't want to be here I don't either.”

Riki looked down, a little guilty.

“Sorry. Just – kinda tired. Not in that way, just – I was working really hard earlier and I guess it caught up to me.”

Kyousuke nodded. “Sure,” he said, but this time Riki was convinced he didn't believe him.

They headed home, low mood a heavy contrast to the merry spirits of those they passed. Riki's skin was tingling and he felt too warm, and he wasn't sure what he wanted to do. But Kyousuke had started this Christmas stuff up more than a month beforehand (years beforehand?) and Riki was just so _sick_ of it by now.

When they reached the apartment, they put their coats up and then Kyousuke went to turn the lights of the Christmas tree on. While Riki watched, he turned the room light off, making the room glow in a way that was probably supposed to be warm but really felt sort of eerie. Kyousuke then moved to the seat in from of the TV and glanced back at Riki.

“You're not going back to studying, right?” he asked, and when Riki shook his head, Kyousuke turned it on, gesturing him over.

“Wanna watch? It won't be amazing, but still fun, maybe?”

He honestly couldn't really think of anything he less wanted to do.

“Sure.”

He brought the chair over and sat beside Kyousuke, only realising a moment too late that he should have placed them further apart. But then he was sitting and Kyousuke was changing the channel and he'd committed to it, he supposed.

After the thick coat and scarves from earlier it was weirdly shocking to see Kyousuke in just a shirt and jeans. He could see his neck and the lines of his arms and his collarbone. The tiny red mark on his hand from one time he'd accidentally burned himself while they were trying to cook sugar. He might have gotten used to seeing him like this since they moved in, but Riki had seen Kyousuke in various states of undress countless times since they were kids and he still managed to notice it anew now and then. Maybe it was something he'd always do.

It was a typical Japanese Christmas movie – a romcom, essentially, that happened to take place in December. It was saccharine and cliched, and not even in the way of the terrible action movies Kyousuke still loved to watch. Ten minutes was spent on a scene in which the main girl and her friends obsessed over wondering what guys wanted in girls, only for the boys to have a comparable scene immediately after. It was all so overdone – and all wrapped up in a strangely over-serious framing that insisted that this was the greatest thing that could happen to someone – that it overshot irritating and actually made him a little angry. Every time a couple smiled at one another and said something about the 'true meaning of Christmas' Riki kind of wanted to throw up a little.

_Why can't I just have this_ , he thought. _Wasn't Christmas supposed to be a good thing? Why does everything have to go wrong for me all the time?_

He was just so sick of it. Saying this and doing that, paying constant attention to the way other people saw him. He never wanted to be the kind of person who challenged social expectations and made grand statements with his life. He just wanted to be able to go to university and have friends and spend Christmas with the person he loved like everyone else.

That was why it felt so jarring, sitting here and pretending to watch a movie. There were things that happened and things that could happen and it all conflicted with what everything was supposed to mean and what he was supposed to do and Kyousuke had _decorated an entire Christmas tree just for him_ , how the hell did the world expect him to react to a thing like that?

The main couple onscreen tilted their heads together, smiling softly. No, Riki thought, I do not want to deal with this right now.

So he stood up.

It took him a moment to realise he'd done it. Kyousuke was looking at him.

“Oh,” he said, “just going to the bathroom...”

He left before he could see Kyousuke's expression.

As soon as he sat down on the toilet he sighed and covered up his face with his hand. What was he even doing? He was acting so weird tonight, suddenly making Kyousuke get up and leave the house with him and then insisting on acting like a grouch until Kyousuke had no choice but to offer to take him home. And then he agreed to watch a movie with him, but then got up right in the middle with a really fake reason?

Riki closed his eyes. He didn't know what he wanted to do. He just wanted this all to be over somehow. Maybe in the morning he'd have better strength than this. Maybe he should just go to sleep.

He left the bathroom cautiously.

“Hey, Kyousuke-” he began, but stopped.

Kyousuke had turned off the TV. The chairs were back at the table and the futon were out, set messily. He was standing at the window when Riki returned, and when he turned back he had an expression Riki couldn't decipher.

“Riki,” he said, in a strangely serious and sad and halting tone of voice and alarm bells started ringing in Riki's head immediately.

_Wait wait wait wait wait_ , Riki's mind went, as his body froze like a deer in the headlights. _Wait, it's okay, I can go back to acting normal, really-_

“Um,” Kyousuke said, scratching the back of his neck. He still wasn't looking at him and Riki couldn't tell too well in the bad light but his brow was furrowed and he wasn't smiling and he looked so _nervous_. And then all Riki could think about was Christmas trees and snow and he felt himself panic.

_We're going to do this, he thought. We're actually – actually_ talking-

Kyousuke straightened, looking at Riki seriously. The light from the building next door covered his back through the window, while the multicoloured lights from the tree created a bizarre colourful silhouette that almost made Riki laugh in desperation.

“...Riki.” His eyes were so intense. But this time, Riki had no idea what he was trying to tell him. “...I'd like to apologise.”

“...what?” Riki almost stepped back. “Wh-... um, wait, what for?”

“I didn't mean to push all of this onto you. I didn't even realise it could come across that way. I was just trying to express what Christmas meant to me, I guess. Or just indulging myself selfishly, maybe.”

This was not at all what Riki was expecting to hear. “Um. Okay?”

“But I never meant to put you in an awkward position.” Finally Kyousuke glanced away, eyes narrowed, and though he couldn't see, Riki would bet his life that he was blushing. “I already know you aren't comfortable with the – way I feel about you. That's fine.”

_...What??_

Kyousuke continued.

“So, I never meant to come across like I was – trying to make something of it? It's fine, really. I just wanted to share the day with you. As friends.”

Riki had no idea where to look.

But Kyousuke had stopped talking, and Riki knew distantly that this was his cue to respond.

“...I didn't know that,” he heard himself saying.

Kyousuke raised an eyebrow, disbelieving. “It's fine, you don't-”

“No, really.” Riki licked his lips, feeling himself trembling. “I didn't.”

“...oh.” Kyousuke went quiet again.

The party next door was still going on, by the sounds of it, but was starting to wind down. Instead of the belting strains of Jingle Bell Rock and Sleigh Ride that had been playing earlier he could hear some low, slow ballad sung in English. Was it even a Christmas song? He couldn't tell.

It was snowing outside the window. Pretty.

It all unfolded in his mind, as clear as day. The looks, the touches – subdued not because he didn't know how Riki felt, but because he thought he did know. Because he'd made himself obvious – how many times had he said or done something to the effect that he loved Riki? How many times had he tried to say that even after he had tried so hard to tell him in that one gesture three years ago?

And when Riki stepped back and moved away and changed the subject, he didn't think it was because Riki was uncomfortable with himself. He'd thought it was because Riki was uncomfortable with him.

Riki felt so terrible. So, so terrible.

“No,” he said, swallowing thickly. “I think – you're wrong.”

Kyousuke didn't respond.

Riki wanted to cover his face. He wanted to curl up somewhere and go to sleep and never wake up because how the fuck had he managed to screw up something so tremendously.

He let out a breath, almost a chuckle, and closed his eyes, rubbing his cheek.

There was only one thing he could do now – the one thing left that could potentially redeem himself as a human being.

“...you're wrong.” He breathed in, steadily. “I was...uncomfortable. But that wasn't why. So, sorry. That was actually my fault. A lot.”

Kyousuke was still barely moving.

Riki powered on.

“...actually,” he said, biting his lip as he forced it out, “it's more that... I actually kinda... love you.”

For several long moments there was nothing but silence and the sounds of muffled, melancholy strings.

“...what?” said Kyousuke, breathlessly.

“I know. I'm sorry. I'm terrible. I'm really, really awful – this is literally all my fault.” Riki couldn't stop shaking his head. “Just – I get it now, really, I'm sorry-”

Kyousuke was stepping forward. With his face in the darkness it looked almost threatening for a moment, but as soon as Riki focused he could see nothing but quiet wonder.

“...Riki.” Kyousuke seemed to search his eyes for a moment. Riki tried to communicate apology.

Then, Kyousuke smiled a little. “You love me,” he said.

“Yeah. I know. I should've – I had so many opportunities and I just ruined all of them. I kept thinking about other things, and...”

“You love me.” Kyousuke's head was tilted to one side. The red and gold were catching in his hair, making the ends shine like some priceless luxury, and at the edges of arms tiny shadows played as the falling snow outside drifted in front of the light next door.

“...I do,” he said.

Kyousuke smiled, slow and wide. Riki's breath caught. It was something else, something new. A new expression – with joy and wonder and awe and excitement all in one.

He thought it was probably his favourite so far.

“...but.” Riki looked down, drifting back. “I – maybe we, shouldn't.”

Kyousuke stopped. “...why?”

Riki bit his lip. “Kyousuke,” he said, desperation plain, “What if – I can't ever get a job? You already know how hard it'll be, and if we do this, then-”

“It'll be fine.”

“It won't.” Riki glared at the floor. His fists clenched and unclenched in fists. “My guardians – they gave me – a deal. They'd pay for everything, I'd never have to work, even if I got married, and you wouldn't have to support me or anything. But I'd need to do what they want.”

Kyousuke visibly hesitated. “That's a pretty good deal.”

“I know,” Riki said, miserable.

“...but.” Kyousuke seemed to lean back a little. “When'd you find out about this?”

“Um.” Riki thought. “Well, they kinda implied it here and there, when I look back, a lot of times. But they stated it outright – two weeks ago?”

“So, after you already enrolled and started living with me?”

“Right.”

Kyousuke shrugged. “Then, what's changed?”

Riki stared. “What do you mean?”

“Well, you've known what things were going to be like all along, right? When you applied, you made a decision based on the circumstances. Maybe, you even knew what things'd be like if we were together.” He turned a little, just enough that the side of his face was lit up. “So, nothing's actually gotten any worse. Of course...” His expression saddened. “If it's really too good a deal, I don't mind. It's your decision. But if you thought it was worth it back then, maybe... it's still worth it now?”

Riki wanted to cry. “But...you still haven't answered my question. What if I end up having to rely on you? Forever?”

“I don't mind.”

“How can you say that?!” Riki clenched his fists. “Isn't this exactly the sort of thing we all tried so hard to avoid?!”

“...no. Things aren't the way they were before.”

“But, if something happened to you-”

“Isn't that true for all couples? They depend on each other and rely on each other. And sometimes, if things fall apart, it's really difficult for a while.”

“But then what was the point-”

“That was never about money, though.” Kyousuke looked at him seriously. “It was about strength of will, and courage. You have those now. And, you have many, many good friends, any of whom would be glad to help you get back on your feet.”

“But...” Riki struggled for words, hearing himself whine and hating it. “I don't want that...”

“Riki.” Kyousuke smiled a little, sadly. “I don't mind. If we were friends, maybe it would be strange, but... that's what lovers _do_. They rely on each other. As one unit.”

“...but...”

“It's your decision, Riki.”

Riki was gripping his arms tightly. Kyousuke was looking at him levelly, betraying no emotion.

_Why_ , he asked plaintively, anger and fear bubbling as one. _All I wanted was for you to make the decision for me... Why do you have to be so understanding, so..._

“...it'd be hard,” he said.

“Yes.”

“Because. It'd be hard for me, no matter what. But if it were this way, it'd be even worse.”

“Yes.”

“I'm not the kind of person who can do this,” he mumbled. “Just, y'know, say 'this is who I am', and not care.”

“I know.”

Riki glared at him, tears in the corners of his eyes. “...you're really way too perfect, you know that.”

Kyousuke grinned, so soft and happy and new. “I try.”

“Shit.” Riki lowered his head.

He could hear himself breathing, hear Kyousuke breathing. The Christmas lights were tangled a little one one side, a big ball of light. Yet he couldn't look anywhere but at the man in front of him.

His hands searched for Kyousuke's and found them, tangling. “You'd always come see me no matter what, wouldn't you? As long as I wanted you to?”

“Always.”

“Then...there's no way I'd ever be able to stop loving you.”

He looked up. Kyousuke's face was close.

“Can I kiss you?” Kyousuke asked.

“Always,” Riki said.

Their lips touched for one moment, perfect and sweet.

And then... “...I'm so, so sorry,” Riki said, burying his head in Kyousuke's chest. “Really, really sorry...”

Kyousuke laughed, arms curling around his back. “It's fine, it's fine.”

“Don't say that, you'll make me feel even worse.”

“...all right then. Yeah, to be honest, you did screw up a little...”

“I _know_ ,” Riki moaned, and Kyousuke laughed.

“Liar.”

“Let me mope. I can do that at least, right?”

“Absolutely not!” Kyousuke cried, suddenly loud and cheery. “It's Christmas! And we just declared our love after twelve whole years of knowing each other. And, what – six years of having feelings for each other?”

“That's kinda the problem...”

“It's time to celebrate!” Kyousuke let him go all of a sudden and grabbed the TV remote, scrolling to a radio station.

“Oh no,” Riki said, but he was smiling.

At last Christmas music began to blast through the speakers, [something bright and poppy and generic and wonderfully Christmas](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnSSVg7Kv5M). Kyousuke spun around, looking far too pleased with himself, and held out his hand.

“Wait. You don't-”

“Yes,” Kyousuke said firmly. “We're going to dance.”

“No way,” Riki said, unable to hold in a laugh. “That's- what did I get myself into, here.”

“Too late, you already said you'll love me forever. Can't take it back now.” His fingers wiggled.

“I don't think that's exactly what I said.”

“Not listening! The song's gonna be over...”

“Then good.” Hesitantly, he stepped forwards. “Just tonight.”

“Every Christmas, then!” Kyousuke declared as he took his hand.

“That's not what I said-” but then Kyousuke was pulling him and spinning him, somehow, and he was laughing, and Kyousuke looked so happy – another expression, he thought, and he was also so happy he could burst.

_Every Christmas_ , he thought, with a smile.


End file.
